WAW - is it too late?

[RVM]

So, her "lovingly" commitment to work on the MR was nothing more than a pat on the head so you'd settle down and stop being a pest. Why should she confess anything? No confession doesn't automatically mean she's innocent, so I hope you prepare for the worst. Why? B/c her behavior is not exactly that of a trustworthy, honorable wife.

Yeah, it took a few weeks for it to register that she was lying. I was in complete denial back then.

It is never attractive when a man begs & pleads with his wife. NEVER! If you don't have more respect for yourself, then why should she? May I suggest that your W a sense of entitlement, is spoiled, and takes you for you granted.

Agreed. And, I believe her lack of respect for me was the major trigger in her decision to start having an A. She is an extremely ambitious and successful professional, and makes a lot more money than I do.

It's difficult for whom? Look, your W will have zero problems leaving those girls while she conducts her affair. I understand that you want to spend time with your daughters, but as far as spending time as a family..............you may reach a point that family time will need to be put on hold, until the adults figure out what to do. Some family activities is very much cake eating for a WW. She wants the best of both worlds, and she won't like it when you try to take part of it away. We can talk more about this later.

She has taken different steps to conduct her A now that she knows I'm suspicious. She used to do the "I have to work a bit later tonight" or "our work group has a dinner scheduled tonight", etc. But, now I believe she does her meet ups early in the morning, during lunch, or immediatlely after work. Probably has taken days off from work that I don't know about as well.

I am really struggling with how to curtail the cake eating when the kids are involved and we don't have any kind of S or plans for a D. I haven't participated in several things that she's tried to organize for the family and just told her "I have other plans." That usually frustrated her.

The kids may be disappointed, but the way I see it is that it's better they have some disappointment now, than years without their parents together. Make sense? Let me warn you that LBH's will try to use their kids (maybe unaware) to stay home, go on family trips, etc. Of course you want to keep things as they've always been, but it doesn't work when your W is wayward. She needs to see (by your actions) that it's not okay for her to treat you this way and expect you to roll over and continue playing the H with NGS. She should experience a drastic change, mostly from you not being interested in her.......not accommodating her.......and not catering to her.

This is where I need the most help. I'm trying to keep things as normal as possible for the kids, but I'm also maintaining good distance from my W. I no longer show any interest in her. I don't ask her questions and I give very basic responses to anything she asks. Part of me thinks this approach feeds right into what she wants - that eventually I'll just file for D so she doesn't have to be looked on as the one who broke up the family. But, I do see a potential long term benefit in this helping me let her go. I do need to really ramp up some other GAL activities that are not just going to the gym, as that's something I've always done.

There have been a few nights in the past few weeks where I've cleaned up after the kids went to bed and just said "I'm going out." No details offered. And, I come home after 11 pm. Does this look like I'm potentially revenge dating or going to a bar to a WWS? I'm concerned I'm giving the impression that I'm going out drinking. Which I would see as a negative.

Currently, you are wanting to work on the MR, right? Well, you can't work on it....the way you want to work on it, b/c that would involve her cooperation, and she's not going to sincerely do it while she has another guy in her head. Don't even bother trying to get her to commit, right now. She would only lie, or push to the next step, which is to separate. BTW, don't agree to leave the MBR, or to in-house separation.

Yes, I do still want to R. But, as you said, and what I've told her is that I have no intention to be in an open relationship. I won't agree to leave the MBR, or an in-house S. She's also made veiled comments here and there that suggest me moving out. I ignore those.

Okay, so first, you work on yourself, and you learn how to detach, and learn how to establish and enforce boundaries. You let her deal with consequences, and don't run in to save her. I am hitting only a handful of highlights, b/c there is much more involved. I'm just trying to get you to realize that you can't let fear guide you in the process. As the H, you must be a figure of strength, b/c you've only just begun to see what she is capable of doing. Things will get worse before they get better. You have a lot to read/learn, but you have a good support system here.

Yes, agreed, and I've started working on myself a lot since the new year. I'm much more upbeat in general. I am slowly building boundaries. I've been reading a lot of books, reading everything on this site, listening to audiobooks, etc . And, now on my second time through the DR book.

Thanks for your excellent feedback and all of the posting you've done on this site. You've been an invaluable resource here.