I took down my first thread since I was worried H saw the website and my previous title being too conspicuous.

So just to recap, H and I are in early 30s, T 11 M 5. Baby daughter. BD June 2019. H and I had been going through a few years of fertility struggles and had a pregnancy loss. H fell into a bout of depression and increased anxiety causing him to pull away from me, go out with new work friends at least once a week, potential EA, not confirmed. I also got pregnant around this time with fertility treatment, which he reluctantly agreed to. When he learned I was pregnant, he got very upset and it seemed to push him over the edge. We've always wanted kids and talked about having kids so it seems like he ultimately was upset because he thought I was calling the shots as to WHEN it happened. I kept trying to reconnect as he said he thought we were drifting, suggesting dates (one time he said, "We can't afford to go on a date"), agreed to go to MC but only made it through 3 sessions in which the MC was very focused on his family history. He would frequently come home later, stand me up for dinner plans at home, and his communciation with me was poor. He said he didn't want to have kids anymore. At one point he said he accepted that we were having a child, but that he decided he didn't want to have any more kids after this (we've always said we would have multiple children)

I expressed this and all of his behavior upset me, which led to H telling me first he needed to move out to work on his depression, and he felt that I was pinning his unhappiness too much on his depression. I begged/pleaded/cried, all the no nos. He then within a few weeks told me he thought we should separate before our baby knew what it was like to have 2 parents together. He was angry at me for controlling too much of our life together. I can shoot holes through his complaints (i.e. he said we didn't spend enough time alone together when I asked him to spend time with me and he would decline or stand me up) He told me his plan was to move out at the end of the year when the baby was a few months old (I was 8 months pregnant at the time)

Currently, he is still living in our house. He sleeps in the study and refers to it as "his room" (and the MBR is "my room") - not sure if he considers us to have an in house separation. I began DBing around Oct 2019 and have noticed an improvement. I dropped all R talks, stopped texting him throughout the day, stopped initiating conversation and asking for time together. His depression seems to be much improved. His mood is better, he communicates better, he doesn't disappear for hours at a time and stand me up for things anymore. Not sure if this is becuase of my DBing or the arrival of our daughter, who he is so in love with. He has initiated some physical affection, will make eyes at me when we're taking care of our baby and things like that. We haven't had a R talk in months. He has made some vague comments about how the house is mine and he's letting me call all the shots [since he won't be living there much longer]. No other mention of separation. It's hard to imagine him leaving because he just adores our baby. We are really getting along well now and do a good job taking care of the baby together.

I do feel like I'm in a much better mental space than I was this time last year, even before BD. I'm proud of myself for feeling more detached, I feel that I've accepted that I can't control him or his behavior, and that I will be okay if/when he pursues an actual separation. I don't deserve the way he's been treating me the last ~1.75 years but I didn't respond in the best manner when he was expressing issues with our M (I would deny or debate, I've since learned the value of validation and I think that would've really helped my case earlier). Most of the time our R seems mostly the same since before, minus the fact that he's not sleeping in bed with me. W

I struggle with not knowing what our status is (I know, continue to detach). I also am debating whether or not I need to do more DBing techniques. I spend a fair amount of time at home because of the baby. We inevitably end up spending time together in the evenings and weekends just watching TV, having meals, etc. Is this bad? I'm trying to go out more often but it is a little difficult to coordinate with the baby and the fact that I'm her source of food at the time. I made plans this weekend and just vaguely told him I was going out. I'm wondering if I should try to spend more time alone at home when the baby is asleep - go read or lounge in bed instead. Trying to think of ways to project confidence that I'll be okay if he leaves me. I feel like this would be alot easier without a young baby and a busy work schedule.