Standing vs standing still

[Yail]

FS, your pause from posting was noted, and thank you for sharing why you chose to take it. We know this isn't the first time this discussion has popped up in my (our ) time here, and it seems to be circulating on a few folx' threads. A lot of us share your views that we are all here in the name of healing. If we can't talk about (and sure, maybe even in some instances over-analyze) our WAS then we are going to implode. Perhaps some people would do well to analyze and think a bit more critically instead of going for the sweeping generalizations and assumptions about their WAS. And it's my opinion that it's better to talk here with folx that have a bit of understanding as to where you're coming from, instead of chatting our our private details with every friend/family member in our real life.

I let him be ... and just calmly floated along. But I did not set clear boundaries. I let him presume he could change plans and tell the children about the changes before speaking to me, I let him come and go as he pleased (making half-hearted pleas to respect my privacy) and (once I'd stopped going dark'ish) engaged with him as if we were friendly neighbours. I let him dictate the terms of our relationship.

This stood out to me because it highlights and area in which I have been making suggestions to folx, but from a very different perspective and perhaps I'm missing something key. I never had the opportunity to set boundaries, because it was such a quick departure. So for me, my best way forward was to just let go as soon as possible and learn to live my life.

But most folx aren't in that situation. So the letting go (ie detachment, releasing expectations, not betting on an outcome) is critical, but not while simply letting the WAS completely off the hook in terms of respect or basic communication. I think this experience is one I really need to keep at the forefront of my mind because it's not the experience I'm familiar with, but it is the more common story.

It is not healthy and I need to get a handle on it.

Are those your thoughts, or your ICs? What if it is healthy, and we are just trained to believe that it is not?

I'm just asking the question. If you've subverted your anger and hurt for so long, perhaps this is how you "need" to get it out to not incite further trauma on yourself.

I love my home.

I get this. I understand this so much. Love, while painful sometimes, is still the best place to focus our energy. So love your home, even as you let it go.

And I do believe you were the one who pointed out to me that Home is something we create. You are in the fear stage I was in a year ago. I will remind you: Home is built in a myriad of ways in so many varied places. You can and will build a home again in a different house. Love and respect your house as you depart, but don't fear loving something new because you WILL.

I will never have another home as beautiful.

Can I be blunt and just call BS on this statement?
In all seriousness, again - I hear you on this statement and feeling. But you are writing a fictional future, and you get to instead live a real life ahead of you. Who knows what treasure you get to unearth and discover along the way!!


Much affection towards you FS. You helped me so incredibly when I was facing some of the fears you are currently facing. Don't forget that. You have that same wisdom you gave me inside you - turn it on yourself! And I hope you care for yourself as you move forward