Perils of piecing - thread 8

[may22]

Hi Alison,

You shared something on my thread that I've been thinking about and I wanted to bring it up here, if that is ok.

What I struggle with these days is in the way he acted towards me in the first few months after he moved out. He was messed up, irrational, abusive and just HORRIBLE. He seemed to seek me out solely to be mean to me. This is different from your story, I know. But what hurts today is the fact I know he's that type of man - that is a part of who he is - and that I'm the type of person who would tolerate it. I don't want to be that type of person and I don't want to be WITH that type of person. People are more complex than 'types' and I am working on letting go of resentments while having good boundaries and generally growing up a little and getting some kind of emotionally mature perspective on the situation. But I am hurt, and I am angry about it, and I am resentful, and I'm also humiliated that I took him back.

Here's my question for you, Alison. Put yourself back in your own shoes when he came back, and your decision process that brought you to him moving back in and you guys deciding to work on your R. IIRC, there wasn't a whole lot in your thread around that time and I'm curious about why you made that choice. I can imagine it was a whole plethora of things, from the kids to finances to still loving him or whatever... but what I want to say is... I bet your reasons were all valid. And nothing to be ashamed about.

I don't care so much what it might or might not take for you to forgive him for the way he treated you. What I want to know is: what would it take to forgive YOURSELF? Both for putting up with his behavior in the past, and for taking him back. The word you chose, "humiliated," has just really stuck with me. I know that feeling and the pit eating away in your stomach when you think about it. What would it take to let that feeling go? To say to past Alison-- you did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. You were scared to lose your H, the father of your children, (whatever other reasons...) but you did what you thought was best and that is all you can ask for. And what a gift that you've come so far, you aren't that person any more, you won't accept that kind of behavior ever again in any R... and you may have never been able to step into that space if not for the hard lessons you learned and are still learning through this whole process.

I don't know if that's a Mars or Venus thing or he's just spectacularly emotionally illiterate or what: but one of the reasons I dread MC is that while there has been some small signs of self-reflection, I don't think he has much of a capacity for it...

That is absolutely one way to look at it... but if you are going to stay in an R with him, then it would be really helpful if he could exercise that little self-reflection muscle and start to understand how his words and actions have impacts on those around him who love him. And a good MC (and IC) is a solid way for this to happen. And... you'll never know if he *is* capable of self-reflection, or not being an a$$, or letting go of his own insecurities when parenting your eldest if you don't TRY. (See? Fence-testing cow.)

I hear your hesitancy, and I think it's fine to start that way. But if this continues longer term you're going to have to also let your guard down and it won't be just talking about your H. I'm curious how this goes for you.

I am with Yail on this, though I also think there is no need to rush into anything if you simply aren't ready and you have concerns that the downside part (him whining) will make it too difficult for you to take anything good out of the sessions, yet. Maybe get him to keep going to his IC as much as possible to get all that out of the way.