Life goes on

[kiro]

And he did what he had always done before me, fill the holes with a woman. I never thought I owned him, but I thought I was special. I thought I was enough. And I couldn't have been more wrong. He can't not talk to me so I know I was special, but I was never going to be enough. Because he isn't even enough for himself.

You are special, but you don't need him for that. You are special whether he sees it or not.

As a person still standing, if there is a reconciliation ever, I'd never want it to go back to the way it was. I don't ever want to lose myself like that again. And I can't be in a relationship where my partner is falling apart but won't talk to me about it, even if my mental health seemed like the bigger issue at the time. I think it's why the ones who make it to the other side call it MR 2.0, and say it's deeper and stronger. It's impossible to keep moving forward and ignore the damage. You have to do a total tear down and start over with better and stronger material or you'll just be destroyed again. I think that's true of the individuals too.

Yes I believe this is very true. But standing is difficult and long. It's been 3 years for me. We even have final D now. Although my ExW is the one who asked for D, she always left the door slightly open. She always said things like:

"I am not ready for reconciliation yet"
"I need to separate for some time, but maybe things will change in the future..."
Etc.

A big part of her message was that she needed time to work on herself and rebuild herself and that a MR2.0 is a possibility in the future if I was still available when she will be ready. Obviously, the message wasn't always that straightforward and direct. There were a lot of mixed signals, contradicting behaviors, confusion and so on...

But because it's such a long time, my life, my feelings and my priorities have changed. Since the damage is done anyway and that any possible R will not be like it used to be, I don't know if I'd be interested anymore. I am not sure what's in it for me?

Her decision has had a huge impact on the way my kids and I live our lives. Many of my friendships and social life have changed. My relationship with my kids has changed (to the better). My kids childhood and adolescence has been impacted considerably. And almost everything else was impacted too: finances, home, work, vacations, hobbies, etc.

So it wouldn't be about saving my family, my marriage, my kids or even my life. We are way passed this phase now...

So even if she were to come back and want MR2.0, why would I embark on such a complicated adventure?

Anyway, this is all hypothetical for me. I am actually seeing someone else now although it's still not a relationship yet. But at some point, I need to decide whether I want to commit to this other person or not.