Gift #3

[may22]

Hi U,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I obviously have zero experience here and hopefully folks who have gone through D/mediation/custody issues can chime in. That being said, here are some questions to take or leave:

-- IIRC, you did have some vets chime in a while back, who basically said lawyer up and hold on to you hat because this isn't going to be pretty. If you received similar advice right now, what would your reaction be?
-- Do you need to decide about the expensive after school activity now? Can you just say I don't think it is an appropriate time to be making these decisions until we figure out what is going on with money and schedules?
-- is she taking the kids on spring break without you?
--Can you wait until after the next mediation session to make up your mind? Are there certain things you might watch for specifically that could help you make up your mind? Not having been through these I don't know what it is like, but I'm wondering if you can state up front that you're concerned about the pace of progress and how very far apart you are, and that for you to feel safe about continuing in the process (since she's throwing around that kind of language, fair game for you too) you'd like to see some progress on one element so that you can trust she's open to true compromise?
--Have you been able to say what you want yet in meditation, or was it just her saying what she wanted and you listening?

As an outsider, my impression is this:

That, and when I do stand up and request increased parenting time, she alludes to things she is not comfortable texting about, or that we need to discuss with legal advisors. I think this is a huge red flag. Plus, I don't think it creates a fair negotiation atmosphere.

I agree. This is a huge red flag.

2) File. Have someone else help me deal with some of this stress so I can focus on self-care, work, and the kids. My W will likely have a very strong reaction, accuse me of giving up on mediation, not being amicable, etc. It might be a very difficult few months or year. Face whatever she wants to accuse me of -- the worst case outcome is probably the same as #1, and best case is much better.

Filing doesn't mean (to me) going to court. The L's can still hash it out, or we can do shuttle mediation with the L's. I just don't think my W and I 1:1 are going to mediate an outcome that I am willing to accept.

It sounds like you've thought this through pretty well, and the fact that the worst case outcome of #2 is the same as #1 makes it seem like not too difficult of a choice. And truly, will the time be more difficult than what you're doing now? It also has the potential of speeding up the pace of this as you might need to get to this point anyway. And the shuttle mediation or the Ls hashing it out seems like a good option. I think you are much better served with someone 100% on your side that knows your rights inside and out and can help you stand up for what is best for you and the kids. And, she needs someone by her side just as much to help her see what is and is not realistic. Good lawyers who aren't in this for the money will do their best to avoid going to court, and have seen it all... they'll also have advice on what they've seen that is more or less difficult for the children.

In terms of your W... I feel a bit as though she's a wild animal and you're circling her, giving in to her little demands (though not happy about it), testing her, wondering if you just do X or do Y she'll calm down and eat from your hand or go through the gate you want her to go or whatever. (Bad analogy, I know.) But... you can't control her and you definitely can't control whatever she has built up inside her head. You can file, you can not, you can give in to spring break, you can not... but ultimately, I doubt that anything you do will materially affect her thinking and behaviors. You need to figure out what is best for YOU and then just do it. If she flips that is on her and you couldn't have prevented it.

In honor of... I think it was Yail, who pointed out that the third, unknown option always ends up what happens... I think you are someone who *is* always open to the unknown and I would just encourage you to remain open to the possibilities as they may arise. And, trust yourself. You'll make the best decision you can, in the best interests of your kids and yourself, and with compassion for your W. That is a good thing.