Wayfarer, I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to add more pain to you or anyone else. And by no mean am I trying to justify what a WAS does. I was just trying to put myself in the WAS shoes to understand how they think and why they act the way they do.
No need to apologize. There was no added pain. The soul crushing part is my H is sleeping w/ another woman while under my roof, and is in a rush to move out and start his new life. Just seeing it all written out from the beginning is a little jarring. And I'm not to the end of my story yet, so still a little hopeful I'm a lucky one that has a different ending.
Originally Posted by kiro
But I still think the LBS has take some responsibility for how they feel. I am not saying that the LBS did anything wrong. They definitely shouldn't blame themself for what happened, but the LBS needs to take responsibility for their own life, their behavior, and their feelings... Often, as it was in my case, I allowed myself to become too dependent on my W and had lost a big part of my individuality. I should have realized that MR comes with a risk. It's common knowledge that 50% of MRs end in D. I felt that we were safe, that these statistics didn't apply to us. I took what we had for granted.
All it takes for a MR to fail is for 1 person to decide that they want something different. .
We both lost our individuality. And I saw it happening, but I was severely depressed and dealing with grief and I couldn't stop it. And he isn't emotionally in tune enough to know the difference between losing yourself in a relationship and just losing yourself. And he did what he had always done before me, fill the holes with a woman. I never thought I owned him, but I thought I was special. I thought I was enough. And I couldn't have been more wrong. He can't not talk to me so I know I was special, but I was never going to be enough. Because he isn't even enough for himself.
Originally Posted by kiro
But let me be clear.. Regardless of I wrote in my imaginary scenarios above, the WAS is the main culprit here not the LBS. The WAS allowed themself to do something wrong and then they went too far and couldn't control it anymore. Then the damage is done... Once it's done, all the stories show that it cannot go back as it was. It's just the way that humans are built unfortunately.
As a person still standing, if there is a reconciliation ever, I'd never want it to go back to the way it was. I don't ever want to lose myself like that again. And I can't be in a relationship where my partner is falling apart but won't talk to me about it, even if my mental health seemed like the bigger issue at the time. I think it's why the ones who make it to the other side call it MR 2.0, and say it's deeper and stronger. It's impossible to keep moving forward and ignore the damage. You have to do a total tear down and start over with better and stronger material or you'll just be destroyed again. I think that's true of the individuals too.
