So my IC appointment is actually tomorrow morning. I have so much booked this week that I mixed my days up. But I have the rage room booked for me and my girls tomorrow. I'll have lunch with them since they are off school, then rage room. Then later mani/pedis with my best friend. And dinner and drinks at her house since I can walk home, lol. Think I'm saving that bath and bottle of wine for Saturday night when I know he'll be with OW.
It was Tuesday so he obviously was with OW last night, but woke me up this morning before he left to talk about D15s doc appointment on Friday. And just messaged me about dinner tonight. People who stand for years, and watch their spouses spin like this for years my hat's off to you. I still love him against my better judgement, but god I wish he'd get out of my space. I'm starting to seriously miss not speaking at all. I had breathing room. His nights out with OW are so calm and quiet. I'm getting to the point where this April move out date feels more and more relieving. I just need a break. He needs to work out his confusion and crisis in his own space instead of like on top of me. The more he pulls towards his old life, the more annoyed I'm getting with him. I thought I would be elated, and rush to lap up any and all attention he's throwing our way. I mean I'm happy for our girls that he's swinging back around to them. But this jokey, buddy buddy stuff with me I'm not exactly elated about. I would really like to be in a place to have more control over my interactions with him. Our house is so small it's hard to escape him. And now that he's decided I'm not some evil vindictive wife I'm being barraged with small talk.
Like waking me up before he went to work. Or Monday night after my dance class he stood out side the main bath while I did a face mask and dealt with my crazy hair, making jokes. I was standing there bra less, green faced, and pinappling my hair in a scrunchie and thinking, Why? Why are we doing this? Acting like things are the way they were? When you're going to go lay on the couch and talk to her, and I'm going to fall asleep to ocean sounds alone? And why can you stand there and make jokes while I look like Shrek but when I go out looking good as h3ll you won't even lift your eyes? And conversely make sure I acknowledge you before you leave so I know that you'll come home that night or on the rare occasion not? I realize how one sided standing is. I know that waiting on them to come back to reality is an arduous journey and there's very little reassurance in it until you find the end. And through it all I've made huge strides finding myself again, but my old self wants to tell him to stfu and go talk to his gf if he wants to chat. It's getting harder and harder to get her to quiet down and acquiesce the much more zen grown up version of myself.I don't know. I think I'm just hitting another grief phase, maybe revisiting anger. Or maybe it was because I was woken up at 5:30am for absolutely no reason. Who knows?
