No need to read my threads from the beginning. I think the summary at the start of this thread pretty much covers it.
I have been here a while now and your sitch I think most resemble mine. I wish I could give you sage advice from back then. I will say you are handling it with a level of intelligence, dignity and humor that, when I was back in your shoes (pre-moving out) I could have used. I was an emotional mess. But then, at the time, he was a hate spewing monster. My H does not have the level of emotional development that yours has. I don't know if it changes anything, they are so similar in so many other ways, but it does give me hope for you that your H looks within and wants to articulate his feelings (even, if those feelings are all 'me, me, me' and what he needs. Mine just ran away.
I will respond on your thread later today re him 'seeking closure' with the OW. I have views, not to dissimilar from others, but my perspective (given I think your H is a good but confused man and the likeliness that once he has set out on a path he will, cut off his own nose, rather than admit a mistake) may be slightly different.
The angry beast within
I am not by nature an angry person and all this time I have led a mostly passive/calm non-reactive life. Apart from the odd passive aggressive response, or vagueness (how he hated this) about my own activities, I gave him his space and did not pressure in the hopes that he would realise what he was giving up and make moves towards R. I let him be and (as Yail once said) ignored the slings and arrows and just calmly floated along. But I did not set clear boundaries. I let him presume he could change plans and tell the children about the changes before speaking to me, I let him come and go as he pleased (making half-hearted pleas to respect my privacy) and (once I'd stopped going dark'ish) engaged with him as if we were friendly neighbours. I let him dictate the terms of our relationship. And I am angry about that because I feel that he was pulling the wool over my eyes all this time and I let him.
In my third IC session this week I broke down and said I felt betrayed. After pushing all this anger down for so long and making excuses for him, I hear myself throwing bombs across the wall we've both erected between us and watching as it explodes at his feet. Pot shots which don't serve anyone. Passive aggressive and hurtful. It's not all the time, but it's there. I am hurt an finally I want him to see I am hurt. It is not healthy and I need to get a handle on it.
his moving to have the kids more
I don't know how I feel about this. On one hand I am glad he is having them more as it frees things up for me (and he is a good father) and although I know it's unhealthy thinking, the more he has them, the less time he has to engage in self destructive behaviours or commit to a relationship any sort. I also know that the more he has them, the more we cement this 'separate' lives thing. He is getting the family life he seems to want, just without me. The move to have them more often is him running back to the family life he actually loves and misses. He knows what's important. And I am not important.
How do I feel. Left behind. Angry.
I wish he would do some reflection, but I don't think his ego could cope with it.
the house sale
I love my home. I will never have another home as beautiful. But I will leave it behind because it is what is needed right now. I am angry at him for putting me in a position where I have to sell my home and I have to feel guilty about it.
I've been reading through some old threads and found an interesting one where it discusses the pivotal 'event' which forces you to see things as they are and really let go of hope. I don't know if I am there yet, but a number of things have happened in the last month which have opened my eyes. He has not done the work, and even if he was willing to do the work, he would never admit fault - without his ability to own his mistakes then there is no future. There has been no growth for him.
