I think you're right, May. The first time we went to MC was a total wash out - and that basically is on me, as I forced him to go so of course what did I expect? I was hoping that the MC would tell him his behaviour was unacceptable, and that he'd stop doing it. This is immature and not really how MC works. I think I needed to find the courage to say to him myself 'this behaviour is unacceptable' and to stop accepting it - and I am in that place now. He is also - not always, but more often - capable of some self-reflection though if I am honest I am still not confident he's capable of looking at his own motivations in a way that counselling would demand.
We had a conversation a couple of weeks ago about his EA: I think I posted about it on here. I told him what hurt me the most was how much he chased her when I felt so emotionally neglected during our marriage (and physically too, actually). I said I struggled not to take that personally and it still hurt. His response was to - in the name of full transparency - outline the various ways and means by which she chased him. There was a lot of detail that I did not know previously and to be honest, could have lived without knowing. It didn't feel that productive and it hurt to hear it and I didn't listen to all of it: I cut him off and asked him, 'why do you want to tell me this? why is me knowing this important to you?' - I suspect it was his ego talking, though he says he wanted to stop me feeling hurt that it was all one way. I suspect you understand where I'm coming from here, and he just really really really didn't. I don't know if that's a Mars or Venus thing or he's just spectacularly emotionally illiterate or what: but one of the reasons I dread MC is that while there has been some small signs of self-reflection, I don't think he has much of a capacity for it...
