hi Alison (hoping I am welcome smile ):

Just a thought about the MC.

Originally Posted by AlisonUK
And a more positive way would be, 'our situation has been going on a long time. I think I understand the aspects of our marriage and lives together that aren't satisfactory to you. I'm here because I'd like to hear what specifics you want to change, and to work together to make that happen.'

Yes, I think so. I think it is 100% valid (and honestly should be standard) to start with each of your goals, and yours is action and solution oriented. Like you, we had a pretty terrible experience with our first MC. We basically just relitigated every fight in front of her for an hour and she would barely get a word in edgewise. I always left fuming, and then H thought she was on 'my side' (plus the whole secret A thing) so we stopped.

For me, I'm a pretty data-driven person and have been interested by the Gottmans' work, so I sought out an MC who was Gottman certified, plus happened to be the only person in town with formal discernment training which is our first (and perhaps only) order of business. I like that they have a process and so far at least this guy isn't just letting us complain at each other. Maybe that, or another specific training background could help you decide who you want? You could also be open about what didn't work for you last time, so that the MC knows to put a stop to the endless complaining if it happens.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing