Life goes on

[kiro]

Journaling...

I was thinking what would I have done if I was the one who wanted to leave my W when I was married? How would I have handled it?

This is a big IF of course... but with some imagination, I could imagine what it would have been like.

First, I wouldn't have left except in 1 of 3 scenarios:

1. I was truly miserable and the need to leave was my only option to save my sanity and find happiness again.

2. I wasn't necessarily miserable but was bored. Then I started thinking about the limitless possibilities in life. Why not take a chance and try something new?

3. I fell into some sort of EA or PA


How I would behave would probably depend which scenario I'm in. However, it's difficult to imagine being in the 1st scenario after such a long marriage. If I was truly miserable, personally, I wouldn't have lasted 17 years.

This leaves scenarios 2 & 3. In both cases, I would know deep inside that I was the one who wanted to leave. My W didn't do anything to trigger it. I'm the one who wanted something different.

SCENARIO 2

In scenario 2, this couldn't have happened over night. This would have needed a long time feeling empty and bored before deciding to do something about it.

Probably, I would first try to talk to W about how I was feeling. But she doesn't get it. She keeps talking about the same things she wanted from me. She gets defensive and thinks I'm criticizing her instead of understanding me and listening to me.

After failing to talk to her, I would start experimenting new things: new activities, new hobbies, new friends, new food, new places, etc. And at the same time, I would avoid doing more of the same old things, so spending less time with W, kids, family, etc.

I would be hoping that W would understand and support me. But she probably would be upset I wasn't spending time with her and not helping her at home. So she would lash out and spoil my plans...

I would be moody. I would think a lot, be evasive, distant, pensive, etc. I may become more irritable. I would be searching for answers. I'd read a lot on the topic, I'd ask people, I'd listen to podcasts, etc.

And then, at some point, I wouldn't be able to avoid the thought of leaving and trying something new. At first, I'd brush it away, but the thought would keep coming back.

Then, one day, the inevitable happens. W would push me over the edge and I would lose my mind and explode. I would find myself suddenly dropping the EB and say that I had had enough and wanted a separation.

After saying it, I would be confused but decide to hold my grounds since I'd said it already. To save face, I would look for arguments to justify my decision. Since anyway, she hadn't noticed what I had been going through, there was no point trying to explain how I felt. She didn't get it. She didn't help me. She failed to make me happy. So it must all be her fault.

The more she would push me, beg me, pursue me, the more I'd move away and the harder I would try to find new arguments to blame her.

I would start focusing on all the negativity in our R to justify my decision. I would ignore anything positive. I would dig deep in my memory to find all the times she did something wrong or she hurt me. I would start listing all these negatives.

When I'm alone, I'd have a guilty conscience about what I did. My mind would keep going back and forth... What if I was wrong? Should I keep going? Should I go back? I'd start giving mixed signals.

I would be in a lot of pain and confusion. This pain and the confusion would be added to my already existing feeling of unhappiness and emptiness.

I'd want to stop these feelings at any cost. So I decide to distance myself more and more, to detach from W, to spend time away from home & family... I'd start focusing on new possibilities. I'd make stories in my mind, fantasies about how it would be like in the future...

I'd convince myself that I can block it all out. I can stop thinking about it. I can move on. This phase of my life is over. All I need to do is close this book and never open it again.

And I'd try to stay busy to avoid the guilt to creep back into my mind... And what better way than to work on my new future. I'd start planning for my future by putting money aside, looking for a new place, new friends, etc.