Through The Storm III

[may22]

I know that many of you are yelling at the screen telling me just this, and believe me - I get it

Just want to say... bahahahaha... at least you and I are giving other people things to get excited about, right??? Public service.

I'm trying to hang onto just being myself. Standing, being a friend, working on listening, and generally making improvements within my own life. Those are my basics and when I said I'm not ready to walk, for me, it means that I'm continuing to do these things until I can't anymore.

One thing I think it is so easy to miss-- for me for sure-- is that the illusion of action is so, so powerful. What you just outlined you are doing? That is SOMETHING. That is action. That is taking back your power in the most intrinsic and real of ways. Those changes you're making now are things you will have with you forever, and in the end you might be most grateful to WW for all of this because you took this enormously valuable gift for yourself away from it. Being a good friend, being a good listener, standing in your own convictions even when it is $hit hard and everyone around you is questioning you-- that is powerful and strong. But it sometimes doesn't feel that way because it isn't a big demonstrative action, it isn't walking, it isn't telling your W what you will and won't accept... because it doesn't feel like an action, it sometimes feels like you aren't doing anything.

I have had a really hard time with this, the powerlessness of feeling like I'm doing nothing. But I don't think that is true for me, and I don't think it is true for you. And I think there is a lot of focus here on what to do so that your S will feel X, or suffer the consequences of Y, and/or will never change until you do Z. And honestly that very well may be true. For all I know if we'd both booted our Ss and gone NC on day one we could be well into "piecing' by now. But if that isn't the right path for you? I can't see why you need to treat your S in a certain way if perhaps the most central focus of DBing is to let go, stop pursuing, and focus on yourself. MWD seems pretty clear that if you can handle it while still being in contact or living together or whatever, then you should do it. My DB coach has said the same. There is such a focus here on the LRT, maybe because it works, maybe because we're all in deep by the time we get here-- but it doesn't mean that the basics *don't* work, they just might not work as quickly or the same way. (Or it might not work at all. But if you do it the way that is right for you, then you always know you did what was best for you, and that you didn't get bullied into doing something you disagree with just because it was the illusion of action.)

You seem so different now than when we first "met"-- you seem so much more grounded and centered and strong. I can tell this all isn't affecting you the way it used to. What you are doing is working, and like the vets keep saying ... DBing is for you, not for your M or to get your S back. You're doing this, and doing it well. Stay strong.

(I did have one tiny little piece of advice, which is this... I would audit your actions and edit out anything that could be perceived by your WW as pursuit. You can do all of the above without needing to show her or tell her that you still need/want her. Like the hugs. Just a thought.)