Learning how to stand, hope, & keep moving

[may22]

Cinnamon rolls!! After Yail's brunch and now you're making them... I want to try this. I have a sourdough starter I keep in my fridge and love baking bread when I have the time, but it is like a full day affair. You can proof the cinnamon rolls in the fridge overnight, right? So it doesn't suck up your whole day? Maybe a project for this weekend for me!

In both instances, I was able to eventually say to myself: Wait. These are all fears that I have. They are not necessarily rational. Just because they elicit strong feelings in me doesn't make them true. They are just things I am afraid of. They are only beliefs if I give them that power. I might have to sit with them for a bit before I can see them for what they are, and it may be uncomfortable, but I don't have to base my actions on them.

This is wonderful... I don't remember if you've tried meditating? If not it might be helpful for you to further explore this, being able to sit with a feeling or a fear or a thought and observing it, not letting it take over, but understanding it and letting it pass. (Full disclosure, I went to the psychologist today, referred after my primary care doc did my STI panel and wanted me to talk to the behavioral health specialist. It was fine, I think they were mostly screening for depression or anxiety, but her prescription to me was to meditate for 5 minutes every day before I go to sleep. I was hoping for sleeping pills but guess you can't have everything But anyway, we talked a lot about meditation and I think it can be incredibly helpful and I'm convinced to simply MAKE TIME for this practice this week.)

So I'm still working to keep expectations at zero. But I do know I seem to approach each week as a question mark rather than an exclamation point. I try to keep my focus on the present. I try to be more curious than anxious.

I love this too, focus on being curious and approaching each week with a question mark. I am approaching this week with a "-" -- not really curious or anxious at the moment, just am. But I think curiosity is such an empowering and wonderful trait.

Here's my question to you-- are there other things you are curious about besides what your H's deal is? Can you explore those? It seems like you're doing a great job exploring the boundaries of your R with him and yourself-- initiating sex being one of those-- and in focusing on things you know and love, like a date with a good friend for V day and baking. What about something really different that you're just curious about? Like for me, I'm totally obsessed with viral epidemics. (I know. Weird. But my college roommate and I have been obsessed since we both read the Hot Zone in college and have been texting each other nonstop since this whole coronavirus thing started.) I know all about Ebola and the Spanish Flu (did you know healthy-seeming people got on the train in Manhattan and were dead by the time they got to their stop on Long Island???) and so am totally feeding this weird fun obsession by digging into the coronavirus stuff. I don't know-- watch a Netflix documentary on something you've always been interested in but haven't had the time, pick up a book in a different genre than you usually read... just feed your curiosity in another vein that has nothing to do with your R.

HUGS!