Kindly! Thanks for dropping by, and for sharing your own experience here in response to my musings. It's always somehow comforting to know I am not the only one with these doubts and fears. I'm glad you're feeling more comfortable being on your own timeline and not always poised to react to something your H does. That's an awful feeling; I know it. Once I met with another L to get a bit more info on the D process, and I realized I would not be rushed into any decisions, I've been able to feel less controlled by fear too. Fear of the unknown.
I did take stock this week as I realized it has been six weeks of no movement on D and continued kind behavior. Well, considering he last told me in November he wanted to move on with his life and would file before the holidays, longer on that first one. I met with both my IC and coach in the last two weeks, so taking stock and recapping was a natural result of updating them. I realize I'm able to relax at the end of every week that is status quo on both counts and then prepare myself for a new one. It's not at the top of my mind throughout the week, but I know it's not the best practice to be measuring weeks by D progress or not. I know I feel strangely self-satisfied when I "make it" through another week without papers, and I also know I have nothing to do with that, so why feel satisfaction? It's not in my control! I know there is no point in asking, Why hasn't he? I know it. But the fact is, he can, and he hasn't. For whatever reason or non-reason.
I did feel my anxiety rise a bit today when he didn't leave at his normal time for work. I thought, Is he going to the courthouse? But then he told me about another appointment he had. I wasn't panicking, but I did feel some relief: ah, okay, you've got another normal day ahead of you. Enjoy it.
So I'm still working to keep expectations at zero. But I do know I seem to approach each week as a question mark rather than an exclamation point. I try to keep my focus on the present. I try to be more curious than anxious.
I had fun devoting one of my days off to baking projects. First, cinnamon rolls, even though I slept in later than I expected. H shared some doughnuts with me and told me about the shop he'd got them from. I thanked him and enjoyed a few bites. I ate a cinnamon roll for lunch (yes, the perfect weekend lunch!) and offered H one. He hadn't eaten anything I'd made for months, so I wasn't surprised when he didn't take one. I, however, very much enjoyed mine.
Then onto a chocolate caramel cake and making caramel for the first time, watching the sugar go from white to translucent, to golden, then a dark amber. In the evening after I'd assembled the cake and enjoyed my dinner, I let H know he was welcome to have a slice. I was delighted that he took one later in the evening. Try to resist this amazing cake! Ha. Totally not reading anything into that, just glad he felt comfortable enough to have a piece, and, you know, there's some bakerly satisfaction there too.
I shared some cake with friends and am still doing some window shopping to see what kind of flowers I might buy for myself this weekend. Roses aren't my favorite, but of course they're everywhere.
I didn't have time to post yesterday but read through others' posts, and it really warmed my heart to see so many people reaching out and so many people here soothing, encouraging, listening. Aurora, it is as you say, awesome, this community. Thank you for your words of encouragement on my thread. It appears you are doing well, yourself!
Kindly, have you thought any more about weekend plans?
