Cross countries separation EU

[sandi2]

I have stopped biting my nails, I am in much better shape and I practice active listening with anyone I talk to but then these days come and I end up wanting to call her when I am back in Spain to see the children just to test the waters.

Remember when I talked to you about using your children as an avenue to get closer to your W? This is an example of what I meant. As the LBH, you shouldn't test the waters, b/c it is a form of pursuit and your W feels the pressure.

I think "how on earth is she not more calm down and talks to me about this hell we are living??"

Do you mean you want her to give you some type of explanation for why she left you? She may never speak in terms that you understand or accept. I get the sense that she feels she told you, but you did not listen. I've read stories from LBH's who needed an explanation, but never received it. If your W stops feeling pressure from you, maybe she will talk about why she left.

things are back to space and time with W. I talked to her last Saturday because our S6 is still a bit sick with this super resilient flu that is taking over Spain and she told me she is not ignoring me but the thing is that I do not listen to her, I do not know what she means.

Perhaps you lead the conversation around to the relationship. Although you called about your sick child, maybe you directed the talk toward you & her. Only you know, but if this is happening whenever you contact her........you must stop asking questions or making remarks about it.

The legal procedure is officially on hold but we have 60 days now to present an alternative to the separation agreement that has been officially rejected. I know this is only my selfish and unrealistic goal but I would like to, at some point and as one of those say it only once things, tell her my wish is for us to at some point work on the R and stop the legal procedure even if I have to provide her with the pension we agreed. Would that make me a doormat or a sincere husband who has not given up on this M? Is it something stupid to do? if not, how would you approach it?

No, please don't do that ^^^^^^^. Listen Pack, your W doesn't feel that she is being heard. So, she doesn't want to hear you proclaim your desire to work on the R. She doesn't want to hear any more about how you feel or what you want. Why? B/c she is very angry and she'll see this tactic as further emotional pressure. She might play you and accept the financial terms, but she will see you as a weak, desperate man.......and she will build higher walls between you. It's not the route to take. I've already shared my thoughts on how to approach this situation.

Again, after the encouragement I got from this board I am not afraid of being divorced, heck I am not afraid of being alone either, I just want to be 100% involved in the lives of my children but I want to pass on that message to my W.

No, Pack. Your motivation is wrong. If it was all about you being involved with your children, then your love for them would be your motivation. You wouldn't have a need to pass that message to your W. It's the same about showing the spouse 180's. Some newcomers aren't too interested in making personal changes for their own good, b/c they simply want their spouse to see the change. I understand that viewpoint, but it doesn't last when the motivation is all about persuading the spouse back into the M.

Here's what I've gathered about your MR. You relied on your words to influence her into doing what you wanted her to do. In spite of the advice, you've continued to use your words to force her to go back into the M. Maybe you have not seen it as "force", but it is felt as if is force. Even saying something in a nice way can be received as pressure, if you continue saying it time after time. It's like a man asking a woman for a date, although she has continued to refuse him. After a while, she dreads hearing his voice. If the other person will not listen or receive your words, it can cause more problems than if you gave space and time. After an unsuccessful discussion, I think you tell yourself that it's back to space and time.....until you have another moment where you just have to contact her again.

God this situation is so twisted, I want to be attractive again, I want to be happy on my own and heal emotionally but if by any miracle there is a chance for us to R in the future I also want it to be asap.

Everyone wants what they want ASAP. Life doesn't work that way. You don't have to live with your W and/or kids to become attractive again. Use this time to make changes in you (not the marriage).

thanks a lot for your help, when I finish reading Light her fire I am going to pick up DR again for a 4th time, I need more strength and support to keep going alone and accepting my M is over as I knew it (which is good believe me, M 2.0 is the goal now!)

The 4th time? You should have it about memorized by now. Excluding DR, there are a lot of books written about how to spice up the MR. There are many great books that show us where we failed to apply certain things our spouse may have needed. These books can fire up our enthusiasm and we can't wait to try the things the book suggested. No matter how great the book, if the timing is wrong........the application is usually unsuccessful. Timing is everything. Your MR is in crisis, so some information will need to be stored in your brain until the time is right. Use this time to store up lots of information, just bear in mind how important right timing is to application.