MAN, I SURE LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! Thank you for the wisdom. I know it is a natural instinct to want to reinforce with her how much I love her, and how much I want her to come home. does she know, does she care, does she worry that I don't? is there anything I can do or say to her to make sure she does know?
It´s not necessary G. You don´t need to do that. Get some more into expectation management and free yourself. You need to detach and GAL. Those are DB basics.
Your wife knows how you feel about her and yes, she knows that you want her to come home. Do not say anything to her about this right now. It is and will put undue pressure on her and she does not want to hear it. Continue detaching and taking care of your children.
Set your expectations at zero when it comes to your wife so that you aren't disappointment or get angry when she doesn't do what you "expect" her to do. Dig deeper for patience and keep the focus on YOU and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Seems like you are in a stage of really wanting to express your feelings about her and to her. I suggest keeping a journal where you give yourself ten minutes a day to just go hog wild putting down all your feelings -- speaking to her on the page. Never give it to her. And don't let yourself do it all day. Coming here for advice is different, but I mean in the rest of your day. Just let yourself do it there, then close the journal and try to get some discipline about putting those thoughts out of your mind, tell your brain, "You can't think about that now, it's not the time for that right now!" Come up with something you can do whenever you are tempted to think about it -- e.g., help the old lady next door with her lawn, bake cookies for your kids, clean out a closet, read the Bible, call your mom, go for a walk around the block... And if you do see your wife, just have words at the ready so you can stick to basic hellos and any info about kids, maybe a "have fun!" when she is taking them. You don't have to be cold, just independent. Save your warmth and love for your kids. Giving that to your wife right now would be like daily watering a cactus. It will not have the effect you want.
I assure you this is something that you will slowly be able to do. Just keep trying.
Last edited by Gerda; 02/11/2006:37 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Hi, Goonies! I want to add my support as well. You can get through this day by day, hour by hour, and know in the worst moments, you will feel better eventually. I've found a change of scenery--going outside, noticing what you notice, can help. Some way to get your body moving to re-focus your mind when you feel stuck. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You can do this--you are doing this!
good morning everyone. thank all of you, for taking the time to respond. I really want to believe that there are better days ahead. I will put all of your ideas into action. never in my wildest imagination would I have ever though that, one, this was real, two, it would land on us, and how much I would be affected by it. you are right I am very addicted to my wife. we met when we were 15. we have been side by side since 1987. we are best friends, did everything together. now, to be alone, and when I do see her, its all negative vile spew. it seems for me, like I am sure all of you feel, it is a two-fold issue. one the love of my life has went off the rails and has no idea, and I cant do anything to help her. two, I lost the love of my life, and my best friend, and right now, there is nothing I can do about it.
There really are better days ahead. It’s hard to see them when your walking that twisting turning path for the first time. Have faith in those that have gone before - you are doing well and making progress. Believe that.
Originally Posted by GOONIES
I am very addicted to my wife. we met when we were 15. we have been side by side since 1987. we are best friends, did everything together. now, to be alone, and when I do see her, its all negative vile spew. it seems for me, like I am sure all of you feel, it is a two-fold issue. one the love of my life has went off the rails and has no idea, and I cant do anything to help her. two, I lost the love of my life, and my best friend, and right now, there is nothing I can do about it.
I was happy to see this.
This is a nice logical reasoned viewpoint. It has understanding and compassion; fore markers of detachment; and still shows empathy. Well done.
I want to encourage you a bit.
Quote
...there is nothing I can do about it.
True, on the surface.
So what can you do something about? What can you control?
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Good morning.... thank you DnJ and Peace, it certainly is a process. lots of emotional ups and downs. while I am trying to keep NC, I try to delay my responses to her texts, she will keep texting the same question over and over, until I answer her. the things she asks seem so trivial. is that normal, am I doing the right thing by not responding right away, if it is not an emergency?
