Hi everyone. Struggling here, sorry in advance for rambling.

My marriage and relationship with my H has always been less than smooth. We live in a foreign country, our personalities are very different, and we also run a small business together. Over the last 6 years, business has been the root of most of our clashes.

I actually came on these forums 10years ago the first time our marriage was in trouble. Caught him possibly cheating, and when confronted him, he wanted to split up. I found these forums and the book. Following the advice in it, managed to save the relationship. Last few years, things were rocky again, and a few months ago, caught him again possibly cheating. I still wanted to try to save our relationship. This time I purchased a few phone consultation sessions (even though I didn't really have the money), and followed the advice. When the sessions ended things were maybe a bit better, but far from okay.

At this stage, we're supposedly trying to put the pieces back together. However, trying to work on this part has not been easy, and I honestly have lost so much trust in him as well, that I am wondering if I want to still proceed with this. He behaves like man-child, is an overspender who avoids talking about money issues, is alcohol-dependent, and keeps friends that enable the bad behaviors that we fought about. I feel like I did my part, tried my best, but am not healing.

I'm feeling particularly sad today. He likes to go out with friends, and when he does that he forgets all about me. Early today, he had said he was thinking of going to movies with me tonight, and now it is past midnight, I am home by myself and he has not even texted to explain why he bailed. I am so angry that I'm here at home, and I am resisting every urge to send him an angry message. On top of it all, it's a day before my birthday.

Look, I get it. I'm supposed to GAL and ignore this. The books say I should go out, find friends, have fun. My problem is that I'm an introvert and going out clubbing, drinking, or socializing has never appealed to me at all. I don't have many friends and I'm not particularly close to family. Socializing is a bit of a nightmare for me, and I don't enjoy it. It sounds crazy, but I think I love working, learning, and being productive. I love doing something that's meaningful or fulfilling to me, which gives me a feeling of accomplishment. Work now is our business, so I have a hard time loving it because it's marred by the problems in our relationship.

So I have been seriously considering that maybe this is all not worth it. I wonder what my life would be like if I have the courage to walk away. I am wondering if I should starting keeping money for myself, get our business running without me, and take up the courage to walk way. I was the one who made the first moves to save our relationships twice. I feel like maybe I should stop trying to do that. If someone asked me what I want, I would probably say to save our marriage. But is what I want good for me? I'm struggling with that now.

I don't know if this is the right place for this. I know most people here are trying to save their relationships. I am truly sorry I'm here asking about the opposite: the courage to consider walking away. I just do not know where else to turn.