Riding the Wave 2

[wayfarer]

This is hard. I don't have any answer. i have thought about this a lot too, though. It seems like in reading through other threads where people are in this stage, a lot of times they're either super cordial, maybe too friendly and the WS (seems like usually WHs) at least externally seems fine with that level of interaction, or text-only and the WS is annoyed and picking fights.

I don't know even know what stage we're in at this point. We're already past text only and picking fights. He literally will follow me around the house to talk to me like when one of the girls desperately wants to tell me something about school. He's been getting really liberal with showing me his phone. Honestly his behavior prior to "I'm moving out" and the I'm moving out fight was very standoffish or completely absent. He before wouldn't even be in the same room as me unless he was forced to. He was gone more before than he is now. Same thing about the way he talks to me. He jokes. He flirts. He's kind. Before is was vitriol or silence. That's its. He's changed the narrative too. In a month's time we went from I never really loved you to of course I loved you. I still care about you, that's why I worry about you. And gets teary eyed when I tell him him looking me in the eye and saying he never loved me was by far worse than the affair. I don't think we were really in limbo before. I think he was sure he was leaving because I was the devil and our marriage was a sham. I think we finally entered actually limbo now. And it's awful.

This is terrific-- I'm really glad to hear it. My guess is by the end of the week you'll be feeling a bit better with this new normal, more settled and focused on you, less on how he is knocking you off balance. I have no doubt you will reach your new plane of detachment soon-- it just isn't a straight line, especially when your H's behavior keeps changing. Also, maybe doubling down where you can on being there for the girls, since they need it too, maybe especially your biological daughter since she must be feeling really scared and awful right now about what the future might hold since he's become such an important piece of her life too. (That makes me mad on her behalf, honestly.)

Its one of the things that brings me to tears in front of him. Not much else does. But her and how heart broken she is that gets me no matter how much I don't want him to see me cry. I do usually get a hold of this with in a week or so but he keeps changing the game on me so fast I'm struggling to cope. But I'll get there eventually.

As a fellow recovering control freak my default would be to spend some time thinking about what that situation might look like, to prepare myself for it coming and not be caught off guard. I don't know if that is the right move, for you or for me. But to the extent you feel it is inevitable, maybe being secure with your own responses when the time comes will be helpful. I know there are financial considerations too that make both that timing less than ideal but also sooner even less so, so it isn't like you could accelerate anything. Can you take the girls away for a girls weekend or something, just the three of you having fun for some breathing room? It might also help his D to reaffirm you and your D will always be family for her no matter what.

I am prepared. I should say we D17 and me are prepared. D15 is too. She's been reconnecting with her mom a lot. I think her plan is to err more to placement with her mom until things settle down with her dad. I've sat down and worked out my budget at least within a range because I have no idea what auto insurance and a few other things are going to look like when we separate. D17 and I made plans about redecorating our rooms, and maybe a few other home projects, that I've told her her BF will need to help with because she's just not strong enough to lift some things. I've continued cleaning and organizing and I have basic idea of what I'm willing to part with for him to set up his new household in just about every room of the house. I repacked all of the the things in the basement so that his and D15's things are in separate totes. I'm not hoping for a self fulfilling prophecy here, I'm just unwilling to be "caught off guard" like you said. As far as the trip it's something I considered, but I think I'd rather do it this summer when we are actually in separate households.

I'm just getting to the point where this is all so exhausting. I just want a stiff drink and a nap. And to look at him and say, I'm not going anywhere so if you change your mind you know where to find me.