Sort of update - same day that I wrote the previous post, I ended up feeling awful and going home from work early. I'd texted H saying sanitize everything, and he asked how I was and if I was home. He came by, ate and took a nap, then went to his house far away. We texted some during the week - he was on edge about test results and some stuff at work, but was telling me about it. Friday morning he texted asking if I'd leave the deadbolt unlocked so he could come by, but then he never did, and I was too scared to follow up text about it. Saturday day I emailed saying I hoped he was OK - inside I was mad and felt slighted and was hopeful about him staying at the house like he said. He replied to email saying he was super stressed out about finances, admitted that he shouldn't have signed a lease for an expensive place far away. I said I am here in whatever way you need. Later Saturday, I texted "dinner?" and he said yes and that he felt better. We met at the house, and went to dinner. He was strange during part of dinner - kept thinking I was going to get mad at him for every little thing. I wasn't remotely mad at this point. I did ask about Friday, and he said he was too depressed to come over and went to bed at 5. He had to go back to his town Saturday night for a work thing on Sunday. He had actually started to leave when I'd texted, but turned back around to come to dinner. Saturday night I texted saying I hope he's still considering staying at our house (he is in town again this weekend). He said he is still considering it, but he's nervous about how scared he got at dinner that I was going to get mad, and that he knew that was all on him. I called him later Sunday to discuss - he was fine after dinner and hung out at the house a bit before getting on the road. He said he doesn't know why he was like that, but that he is trying. I said I need to spend more time and make sure I still want to wait for him, too. I said sometimes it feels like he is just too scared to call it off, and he said he was sorry that I felt that way, and that it isn't the case, and that he is trying, but having a hard time with health and depression stuff. It's nice to hear that, but I'd rather just feel that way.
For as frustrated and impatient as I am, he has definitely tried more over the past few weeks. I went to dinner w/ a friend last night who I hadn't seen in a month and was updating her and was like....OK I need to calm down and try to be patient again.
He is freaking out about money. Part of my wants to throw a Hail Mary and say - I will pay to break your lease if you come home and work on stuff with us, but there's no way to do that without it sounding super manipulative. I've helped him some financially since we are still married, but it's a strange spot.
I reread an article about C-PTSD and triggers/how to handle them, and referenced it to H in an email asking if any of those techniques would help in the future. I don't know if he will answer.
At dinner, I was complaining about the dryer (our dryer is new but has a part that needs to be replaced again), and he said, "well, at least you have a dryer." I said, "You have a dryer - it's in our house." I know he found this funny, but it's true.
I am trying to just remain standing for our marriage while he is still a complete mess, mentally. I am fed up and impatient, but need to recognize that there has been progress in the past month that is real (him being at the house, us going to dinner, seeing him 2 weekends in a row, talking on the phone way more frequently). It's not like anything would change if I did give up - I wouldn't file, I don't want to see anyone else. Trying to not get my hopes up for this weekend, but we will see.
