what should a stander do, exactly?

[DnJ]

Hello G

We all empathize and understand what you are going through.

I will share, and encourage. You will get through this. Honest.

I suffered that ceaseless pain. So much trouble getting out of bed. Something I just could not do - wear long sleeves. Absolutely couldn’t do it. And it was winter and darn cold! I’ll put on a long sleeve shirt or sweater and heart would race, I’d stress out, breathe way too fast, and scramble to get the shirt off. Kind of like you and the covers over your head.

Post trauma stress. It manifests differently for everyone. Long sleeves and no noise - couldn’t stand the TV or radio. Some people need noise. Others darkness, other lights on all the time. Perfectly fine. You’ve been through a lot and it takes time to find your balance again.

Let’s look at some of your questions:

does the physical aspect of this knot of despair in my stomach, feelings of failure, and always on the verge of tears go away?

Yes. It takes time. Be gentle on yourself. This is part of grieving and the depression you are experiencing.

what do I do to rise above all this?

Detach. Detach. Detach. This is the most important single thing you can do!

all of the reading I have done here and else where, it seems like she is in a time of indifference. how do I navigate this within myself?

Detach first then find indifference. Focusing on you is the key.

should I allow myself to be mad at her?

Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel. You do not need to find a way to be angry, but if you are angry that’s ok. Just like it’s ok to not be angry. Your feelings are real and perfectly normal. Don’t worry about them.

will that help me?

Feeling your emotions is necessary. It is steps along the path. Let them wash over you.

I just want to know what is ok to feel.

You will feel many different emotions. All are fine.

is there any insight you guys can offer from practical experience?

Lack of detachment is emotionally dragging you around.

The ceaseless and seemingly unending pain is withdrawal from your addiction to W. When our spouse leaves, our brain cries out for the once plentiful chemicals that flowed so freely before. That absences of those feel good chemicals is the pain - withdrawal symptoms. And from various sources it’s feels like trying to withdrawal from heroin. Tough stuff.

So what can you do?

Focus on you!

Detach!

Go no contact as much as possible. This includes social media, texts, etc...

This is an addiction you’re working through, so every time you reach back it fires up those pathways and pushes back the process a little. This is an emotional torment you are suffering. Your irrational side is clinging to what once was, and doesn’t want to let go. Make no mistake this is probably the biggest fight you have ever faced. However, you are not with out weapons.

Logic and reason. Use them. You control your mind - the rational intellectual side. Slowly logic will influence your emotions. A few things to do:

Block W. Unfriend her on FB and block her. Do not look at old pictures and memories (for a while). Trips down memory lane are very painful right now, and keep you from getting passed this.

Do not snoop. Do not think about her or what she may be doing. Remember you control you. This is completely within your control.

This is part of focus on you.

The plan is for you to regain control of your emotions. Seeing things from a logical view helps with detachment. Actually seeing things logically is pretty detached - so in that regard your goal is well defined.

Detachment comes and goes, so keep at it. Forgive yourself when you fall back and slip up a bit - we all do. It’s ok. Get up dust off and keep moving forward.

And when feelings are rising up, take some time and let them out. Go for a walk, a run, do push ups, something to sweat them out. It’s good for you and you are reattaching those feelings to other actions and thoughts - it’s another how you detach method.

if you guys could just throw me a bone from your experience I think would somehow help me.

Post your questions. Vent. Let us know how it’s going.

A lot of advice is counterintuitive; it will sound, seem, and feel wrong. Have faith and walk the path. Things do become clear.

A bit of encouragement for you G: I know where and when you are; I openly posted my painful journey. I suffered, like you.

Depression my friend. I do remember. It feels like it will be forever. No one else gets it. No one understands. I don’t want to feel better (that’s a big one to face by the way).

It is so very difficult to hear the advice. And so much more harder to follow it. It just doesn’t feel right.

Now, think about it. You know you can and will be better. Heck, look at me, I’m proof. But it doesn’t feel like it. And there in lay the truth you need to hold on to, listen to, and follow.

It doesn’t feel correct right now - and won’t for some time. Yet it does make sense logically. Listen and hang on to your reason. Let your emotions wash over you. It’s such a hard balance to find.

Hang in there and be strong. You will find your way.

DnJ