I don't know where the line between cordial and friendship is going to begin and end given our unique circumstances. I don't even know how to begin navigating that.
This is hard. I don't have any answer. i have thought about this a lot too, though. It seems like in reading through other threads where people are in this stage, a lot of times they're either super cordial, maybe too friendly and the WS (seems like usually WHs) at least externally seems fine with that level of interaction, or text-only and the WS is annoyed and picking fights.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
I have a lot of plans this week. Partially on purpose due to the holiday, partially because it's just how my calendar worked out. I'm trying to stay busy, and to stay away from him a bit right now, because it seems like he seizes every opportunity that we're home together to be in my space.
This is terrific-- I'm really glad to hear it. My guess is by the end of the week you'll be feeling a bit better with this new normal, more settled and focused on you, less on how he is knocking you off balance. I have no doubt you will reach your new plane of detachment soon-- it just isn't a straight line, especially when your H's behavior keeps changing. Also, maybe doubling down where you can on being there for the girls, since they need it too, maybe especially your biological daughter since she must be feeling really scared and awful right now about what the future might hold since he's become such an important piece of her life too. (That makes me mad on her behalf, honestly.)
Originally Posted by wayfarer
I don't know how to explain how I know. I just know him. He's made his mind up about it. Even if he lies awake the night before he moves thinking it's all a huge mistake he'll still go. And I do stand by him leaving is probably best for both of us. I need some time on my own to decompress. I don't know how he could possibly miss me when under my roof he's trying to keep me as much in his life as I'll allow. He and I don't have a chance of coming out the other side of this unless he goes. He needs to chase this happiness he thinks is out there. He needs to fall on his butt doing so or there will never be any kind of reconciling. As the fog is lifting a tad it hasn't lifted far enough to pull him out of limerence only far enough to let him see I'm not the villain he was trying to make me. He won't see the extent of it's me(him) not you(me) until he's alone on a Sunday night.
As a fellow recovering control freak my default would be to spend some time thinking about what that situation might look like, to prepare myself for it coming and not be caught off guard. I don't know if that is the right move, for you or for me. But to the extent you feel it is inevitable, maybe being secure with your own responses when the time comes will be helpful. I know there are financial considerations too that make both that timing less than ideal but also sooner even less so, so it isn't like you could accelerate anything. Can you take the girls away for a girls weekend or something, just the three of you having fun for some breathing room? It might also help his D to reaffirm you and your D will always be family for her no matter what.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
my default would be to spend some time thinking about what that situation might look like, to prepare myself for it coming and not be caught off guard. I don't know if that is the right move, for you or for me. But to the extent you feel it is inevitable, maybe being secure with your own responses when the time comes will be helpful. I know there are financial considerations too that make both that timing less than ideal but also sooner even less so, so it isn't like you could accelerate anything. Can you take the girls away for a girls weekend or something, just the three of you having fun for some breathing room? It might also help his D to reaffirm you and your D will always be family for her no matter what.
