A year ago, I would be in more of an emotional tail-spin than I am today. I am still struggling, though. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes. I have a lot to work through in IC and on my own.
Right there with you, U. I'm still reading, even though I've pulled back a bit from posting. Still very low but still fighting. Keep going, man.
Originally Posted by unchien
My big decision is whether to stick with the private mediation process or not. I know in my heart what I should do. I'm not naive. I know it will be a massive BD into my situation if I go that route, because I have been so timid with my W during our separation about communicating what I want (for good reason IMO).
I also know what the easy decision would be. I know why some fathers accept the every-other-weekend situation when they would rather have more of a 50-50 split... it can be the easy choice, the choice that avoids ugliness, the choice that appears easier on the kids and their mother. Things seem pleasant lately.
Maybe do a pros and cons list for every decision. Write it down on paper - you've got the time to think about it, may as well use it. Then you'll be at least somewhat prepared and maybe it'll help slow down some of the spinning.
Originally Posted by unchien
I have fears: Fear that I am going to be up on a stand in a courtroom, being pressed by an attorney aiming for my jugular. Fear that my W will go into a tail-spin and my kids will suffer. Fear that I am not truly ready for what I think I want.
Fear that I am making the wrong choice. Always that fear. Fear that I am hurting others by either being decisive or indecisive. No matter what I choose, it seems unavoidable.
Something will happen, no matter what. Sometimes not doing anything is just as effective as doing something, especially if you are not sure what you want or need to do.
Originally Posted by unchien
Analysis paralysis is my MO. One reason I tout meditation here is that it is runs completely against the idea of thinking through your problems. I've been trying to think through my problems all my life. It's time to go with my heart and my gut. But I've always lacked self-confidence in my feelings, so this is difficult for me. I grew up in a household where my feelings were ignored, where my M's feelings ruled the day and everyone tiptoed around trying to placate her and avoid her moodiness. I don't trust my feelings. I don't trust other people, but I also don't trust my feelings. Meditation has given me a tiny seed of confidence, and I hope with time that seed grows.
I'm not the only poster here to talk about the impact of CEN as an adult. I can so easily subjugate my own feelings and just "go along" with whatever somebody else wants. Heck I don't even know what I want sometimes.
We are very similar in this regard - we had similar upbringings. I unwittingly continued with my childhood development patterns right up into my MR. I didn't even know I was doing it. But I can't go back and change it, and I wasn't that way because I wanted to be that way. Neither were you. How could we, if we didn't realize that's how we were?
Trusting people right now is at an all time low. That is by necessity I think. When the person closest to you, who you trusted the most, drops that kind of bomb on you, it sends you into a tailspin. That's normal. So then we pull way back and reassess.
A lot of my preconceived notions about humans - male and female - are getting a serious rethink here. I think that's also why the vet DBers here reiterate to focus on yourself so much. It makes sense now - if you cannot trust anyone other than yourself, and you are even doubting your own self now due to the BD - then it is essential that you pare everything down to the simplest possible thing and the only thing you have control over - yourself.
Then you'll be at least somewhat prepared and maybe it'll help slow down some of the spinning.