Separated and facing divorce (Part 3)

[Ready2Change]

Hi Ready2Change, he mentioned in September he let the kids stay with their mom since they preferred that. Six months may establish precedence? He had both kids Friday, his son Saturday.

Maybe we should let the kids make the final decisions in all of this. Ask them if they would prefer if mom and dad got back together and stopped fighting and figured out how to be happy together. Ask them if we should give all the family money to lawyers or save it for them for college.


Anyway, I think you figure out what is best for the kids, and work toward that. Your relationship and guidance is what is important.

[firemann]

Journaling:
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W sent me a text today asking if I'd pick up the kids on Thurs after school. I replied no problem. She reminded me we had a mediation session in two days and if I was ready.

I told her - I wasn't inclined to share how I feel but I was disappointed that this whole situation feels like it's going to be handled in the courts, but, so be it.
She stated she wanted to try to mediate and avoid going to court, and that she wanted me to try to communicate with her openly.

i stated I could not believe her responses to the interrogatories, that most were extremely hurtful and a vast majority were just not true.

I reiterated I wanted 50/50 custody, that the kids and I have had some great moments over the past couple of months, that I believe this is in their best interest, that my boss is allowing me to work from home most afternoons if I need to drive them around, and, if 50/50 doesn't work in practice, I am 100% happy to negototiate something that does.
I reminded her that she is also working a few nights a week going forward for the next few months.

Her reply was: she does not want to disrupt the kids school schedule by having them switch houses weekly.

I am having a TON of anxiety of having to go to court and have to tell myself - this might actually be the path of getting them back.

We then spent some time divvying up the dog schedule and the furniture. I let a bunch of the furniture go with her, but it's just apparent that she is hard up for money. I wanted to say - please, get a full time job. Get one anywhere, a grocery store, as a janitor, anything.

The only thing I am to this selfish woman is a missing paycheck.

[IHCLACS]

Isn't it amazing how they want you're resources "for the kids" but they don't want you? They want you to pay for their lost time and bad decisions by court order They know how to contact you when they need money to "communicate openly" but refuse to communicate when it comes to initiatives for relationship resolve and healing.

AS: Maybe we should let the kids make the final decisions in all of this. Ask them if they would prefer if mom and dad got back together and stopped fighting and figured out how to be happy together. Ask them if we should give all the family money to lawyers or save it for them for college.

Brilliant.

[Ready2Change]

Her reply was: she does not want to disrupt the kids school schedule by having them switch houses weekly.

I have about 50 ways I would have responded to this. I never know what hurts or helps, but "truth darts" are sometimes needed.

I first want to argue:

If you TRUELY cared about disrupting anything regarding our children....


But I change my thought process:

Switching houses weekly WILL HAVE NO AFFECT on the school schedule. Lots of other families do this with zero problems.

I want to add more. But then I edit it out. If she tries to argue. I MIGHT go down the "YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT WANTS THIS" path. or "Studies show that the kids need equal and frequent contact with both parents."


You will not win arguments. You stand on your right as a good dad. You stand on the fact that you want them to have a relationship with their mother. (as well as their father).

Things change when people get divorced. Figure out what is important for your kids as well as your relationship with them.

[DejaVu6]

50/50 is fair and, at least where I live, your right as the other parent unless there are compelling reasons why not. She can not want them to switch houses weekly all she wants. Too bad. Don’t engage with her on this. It’s a no win. Just simply state what you think is fair and leave it at that. What’s best for the kids is to have a relationship with both their parents. You aren’t their babysitter...you are their dad. If you can be there for 50% of the time and your work is willing to accommodate you, that’s all a judge should need to know. Good luck Firemann. (((HUGS)))

[firemann]

Thanks all.

In my state, infidelity bars you from obtaining alimony. I went to talk to a few good friends last night and the consensus was - she knows she was caught and is now looking to max out on child support money by trying to get sole custody. I reread some of sandi2's threads last night on how dark the WAS heart is - I feel like I real see this now; everything she does seems to be selfish and dollar related. I just cannot imagine doing what she's doing.

I continue to strive to make every interaction with my kids a positive on. I found a new therapist and have an appointment with her next week. I worked out last night and sweated my brains out at the CrossFit box - killed a lot of my anxiety.

We have our mediations ession tomorrow and I will not accept anything less than 50/50, even if it means going to court in the near future (which scares the bejesus out of me, but...it might be the start of getting my kids BACK).

I feel like I passed this threshold where I am thinking I don't want my WAS back. I am honestly struggling not to hate her for all of this. Hate is a strong word. As much as I want to forgive her and move on, I hate her for doing all of this to us 3.

[neffer]

Be the healthy parent F. You have the tools to get into that.

Respect.

[AnotherStander]

Hang tough, in the end your kids are worth the fight. If your W is that hard up for money then she will have trouble mounting a defense. I suspect if you stick to your guns, tell her 50-50 is non-negotiable and you are ready to end mediation and go to court over it, she may very well cave. Even if she doesn't I think that's the inevitable course anyway.

By the way, when she says this:

"She stated she wanted to try to mediate and avoid going to court, and that she wanted me to try to communicate with her openly."

What she means is this:

"This will all go smoothly as long as you agree to all my terms without exception."

She's still a WAS. She's not going to give you any quarter. Load the cannons.

[firemann]

Today's convo:
* She asked if I could pick one of the kids up tonight and I said I couldn't as I have a therapy class that I signed up for.
* She asked if the additional money I gave was for gymnastics and if I would give more. I said that I would kick in a little more as she is moving this month. I think we do have to agree to pay our respective halfs to the gym, as per AS previous suggestion.
* She then proceeded to unload every kid expense incurred over the past month saying it was killing her. I told her it sounded like she was overwhelmed. She said I had no idea how hard it is for her to keep it together financially.

I then stated: if we'd split the kids up, I could shoulder more of these expenses. i mentioned if she'd going to work nights, that I want the kids to stay w me then. It dawned on me - what if I was a jerk and said, "if i don't get 50% custody, then you are on your own to run them around. I just get supervised visits" <-- I didn't say that, but I sure thought about doing so.

She replies "you buy and do whatever you want and I get to take [so and so out] on dates. I replied, "none of that is true. I am currently supporting 2 households". I wasn't going to say that [so and so] and I split up a month ago.

She states I've never appreciated what she does for the kids. I replied: I always have, but maybe not the clearest way you'd see it.

She states "...but not enough to take the financial burden off me when it would be so easy for you to do so. You have no idea how hard this is" I replied "I can see this is extremely challenging to hold things together".

It's pretty clear to me - her keeping the kids means 1) inflicting pain on me by barring me from them and 2) more support $$$.

She has to realize - divorce doesn't mean that you have to finance your former spouse and make sure she has her complete married lifestyle. You wanted to be independent? WELL, HERE YOU GO.

[mtb1981]

Hang tough, in the end your kids are worth the fight. If your W is that hard up for money then she will have trouble mounting a defense. I suspect if you stick to your guns, tell her 50-50 is non-negotiable and you are ready to end mediation and go to court over it, she may very well cave. Even if she doesn't I think that's the inevitable course anyway.

By the way, when she says this:

"She stated she wanted to try to mediate and avoid going to court, and that she wanted me to try to communicate with her openly."

What she means is this:

"This will all go smoothly as long as you agree to all my terms without exception."

She's still a WAS. She's not going to give you any quarter. Load the cannons.

Perfectly said...