Here are a few ideas for you to take or leave. Of course what everyone is going to say on here (and I don't disagree) is that what you *should* do is walk, go NC, let her feel the actual loss of you for more than a week, and continue to focus on yourself while she either gets her $hit together or she doesn't... and if she does, then you can decide if you're interested in getting back together with her or not. You do know that the pursuer/distancer dynamic does has a real effect with her and I would question for her own long term-happiness (and yours, if you stay with her)-- what does that mean? Will she always be slightly dissatisfied and looking out there for what's next, what might be a little bit better or more fun/exciting/romantic than what she has? This is definitely something I worry about with my H if we stay together, that he'll always hold a candle for his fantasy life because he doesn't actually believe it was only ever a fantasy.
That being said, I think I posted on someone else's (wayfarer's?) page a week or two ago an excerpt from MWD's book on affair recovery, that says something along the lines of you aren't a doormat if you stand for your M, you are just fighting for your M in the most efficient way possible. I can dig it up for you if you want, and/or if you haven't read that book it might be helpful, at least the chapter on what to do if your WS isn't interested in working on the MR right now. I think the basics are do what you're doing until you can't anymore, and a lot of what is focused on here on the boards is the LRT, what you do when nothing else is working and/or you can't continue for your own sanity in the current situation.
OK. But if you're not ready to walk right now, what are some other things you can do in the meantime (besides the GALing which you are doing so amazingly?). Note, these are not going to be DB suggestions and I also don't mean for you to necessarily do any of them... but just from the perspective of what would it take to shake things up for one or both of you. Maybe the outcome will be that you'll be more ready to walk, and that might be exactly what you need.
Can you talk to a counselor that specializes in discernment? What mine told me he normally does in these situations (it just isn't working that way with us for whatever reason, he seems to feel like we're currently a mix of DC/MC) is to meet with both together and then with each of you 1-1 to help come to a decision about whether or not to work on the M. That might be helpful for you both as I can't imagine the current status is fun for anyone, even your W (though she's living my H's dream life right now).
What about an intensive weekend? I know MWD does them and assume they're crazy expensive, but there are a number of options out there that you can look at. if she is serious about wanting to figure out how to let AP go and recommit to the M, she has got to take some steps herself, but perhaps spending some significant time together talking through these issues with an experienced counselor might help and force her to ask the hard questions of herself... or for you to hear/see that she (perhaps) is nowhere near where you would want her to be for you to really see a future together with the person she is right now.
On the intimacy front, it seems as though she needs to see you in a different lens. I don't know how to accomplish that but I would guess it starts with you seeing YOURSELF through that lens and projecting that sexy self-confidence whether she's around or not. Maybe letting go of all forms of physical pursuit or touch until she actually initiates is a good idea at least for now. Don't give her the opportunity to pull away from a hug. It just makes you both feel badly.
Thanks for updating us and for sharing. I know this is so tough. Hang in there.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
