Help with WW #2

[hoosjim]

Just wanted to check in although not a lot has changed really. W has stayed over a few times and communication still good (and relationship getting better) but physical side hasn't really improved very far. Still suspect there is ongoing contact with OM that hasn't properly broken off yet although she says it has. W maintains it was all over a long time ago now but if I found out the PA is still active I think I'd have to call it a day as hard as that would be. W still has him on some social media although says communication has stopped. It's just not good enough. Feel a bit in stalemate really but so worn out from everything. I think I need to be stronger and reset some boundaries. W says she is scared of coming home and going back to our previous M incase it doesn't work out.

I think she's scared of getting back and truly getting rid of OM though I don't want to admit that. I worry she's taken OM underground now. Considering all the conversation etc we've had I don't know what I'd do if I found out she's still in contact. Feel I need closure either way. Lots of positive progress regarding our general relationship, but the important part to me is still a big fat no change. W has put up a barrier and said that she doesn't feel right about sharing messages etc as she thinks that's not a healthy restart to the relationship. I think I'm going to have to set it out as an expectation. A small part of me wants to snoop and find out for myself so she isn't in a position to hide or clean it but I know that's probably not healthy. Should I just turn round and give her an ultimatum/set of expectations before she can come home? Should I just demand full access?

OS2, this sounds so much like my own sitch that I can't even tell you. WW who was in an EA and possibly a PA (I may never know) but still had reservations about ending our MR... felt some tugs of guilt and hesitation. Would make baby steps back towards me and then pull back. (Some of this is certainly temp-checking to see if we are still on the hook). We were living in the same house but she was going out and staying out late with GFs from time to time, and we were not always sleeping together. Sometimes she would come in and sleep in MBR with me, and other times she'd sleep in guest room. Sometimes she'd even touch me or come over close to me at night, but nothing more. It is a very difficult/delicate situation to be in... Just from the way you describe it I feel like your W is a bit like my W... heart not hardened all the way through, some of her steps back towards you are perhaps hopeful and not strictly motivated by cake eating or temp-checking. I don't want to get your hopes up here, because one thing you definitely do NOT want to do is turn on the pressure by trying to force things with her (Saying "ILY", actively pursuing her for dates, etc) but, rather, watch, wait, and continue to GAL, 180, and validate towards her where appropriate.

If she shows enough interest and seems genuine (look over Sandi2's threads and posts for the signs to look for that a WW is truly ready to "turn"-- typically when she shows true remorse, complete surrender to transparency measures, willing to do "whatever it takes" to save MR), the next step for y'all, and particularly for her, is likely individual counselling to work through some of her own issues and help her get over the affair. This can sometimes be handled, in appropriate cases, by having IC be a precondition to working on the MR when she voices a willingness. Again, you will know when she is ready for this kind of step but right now i don't think she is... i think she is just mourning the OM and the affair.. my W went through this stage. It can take a while. She needs to miss the MR and to miss you before she is truly remorseful and ready... and the best way you can contribute to that happening is by GAL-ing like a madman, detach, and stop obsessing so much about her.