Through The Storm III

[KristinG]

Hey guys. First, to answer your questions about my IC - she is more pushing my lines of thinking rather than forcing an opinion. It's just hard hearing and trying to face those truths of things potentially not ending in reconciliation no matter how much you try to prepare for it.

As per usual, the LC ended. Also per usual, things have been fantastic and we have been enjoying spending time with each other. Laughing, talking, and generally enjoying life. She is starting to pull back and towards OW again. These are all things I have been through so many times it makes my head spin. Even though there is nothing physical happening between us and hasn't happened in over 6 months, it still hurts like h3ll to feel rejected when she pulls away from a hug and/or won't offer to give me a "pop" kiss goodbye. Just venting here because I've really been struggling with it.

I have tried very hard not pressuring and haven't initiated anything in a long time. But when she pulls back from the most basic of non-sexual physical touches it stings. This is compounded when she tells me that she feels frustrated that our intimacy is her biggest concern on why she can't get those "feelings" back for me. It makes me want to scream "HELLO... if you would simply kick your other lover to the curb maybe you would feel differently". OK KG... deep breath.. vent session over.

WW stated last week that she wanted to let me know she and AP were in contact once again and that it was just too hard to have NC. That she is still in love with her AP and just wishes those feelings would go away because she wants to have our marriage and our life. She also again encouraged me to find someone else - barf. I replied, "Don't think for a second that I haven't had plenty of opportunities presented to do just that, but I have CHOSEN not to go down that road." UGH these feelings are so hard to work through. At least I can say I kept a very level and calm attitude. I told her that I wish those things too, but that knowing this gives me a lot of things to think about.

Sorry for the burst vent session all. I am still working on patience. Sometimes I feel like I'm living May's H's fantasy life. WW moved out, has a nice house, new truck, anything she ever wanted. Me as a best friend, AP as a true love story, and all her dreams have come true (except for the tearing at her soul).

I'm still focused on controlling my emotions, appearing happy and upbeat, and having my own passions and enjoyable things. I've learned a few songs on my new uke and have continued to make plans with friends during my time off from work. I'm trying to focus on the positives, but wow life can feel difficult at times. I have my next appointment with IC on Wednesday and am looking forward to hearing her guidance on how to cope with the swings. I know in my heart that I should walk away, and I might do that one day, but I'm not ready to give it up. Feeling gloomy.

KG