22 Years Gone Part 3

[rooskers]

Good luck with D's grandma. It's a good thing she's on board and like you said, very important to maintain that for your D.

D14's grandma visited and it helped to gather even more insight to what my XW is feeling. XW accuses her mom in emails of emotionally abusing her, asks her mom "why are you hurting me," and accuses her of physically assaulting her in Hawaii. XW does not feel safe near her mom and is a victim. XW has never done anything wrong in her life and hasn't deserved the abuse everyone has inflicted on her. She did make a small comment in her email that she has made mistakes. XW is glad to have finally met her new friends that understand and accept who she is. She wishes her mom good luck but for her safety can never have a relationship with her. She then tells her mom if you want a relationship you have to admit and agree with me on how you abused me all these years. Her mom replied and countered all the allegations and even apologized to her for some she felt were true. XW just told her mom "those are your perceptions and you are allowed to have them even if they are wrong and mine are right."

She has told her mom she had to leave me because for 22 years she ran and worked out all the time to escape the verbal/emotional/physical/sexual abuse I would inflict on her. She resented the fact she was the primary bread winner and was tired of asking permission to buy things. She felt that since she made the majority of money she should be able to buy anything she wanted. She told her mom the only reason I had stayed in the marriage was because I wanted her money. She doesn't understand what she did wrong to warrant me taking D14 away from her but thinks it was probably to get revenge on her for leaving.

She believes she is healthy and doing great at work. She is even getting more advanced training to be promoted into a position that will require more of her expertise and time. She tells her mom she is depressed, can hardly concentrate at work, afraid of getting fired, has insomnia, has anxiety, faints a lot, has amnesia, and needs D14 to have a reason to live. Yes, all of that was in the same email and to XW is not contradictory at all. She tells her mom how poor she is and that she won't be able to afford her lease without getting a roommate and even then she will most likely have to move out and stay with one of her friends. She also said her new position gave her a very nice raise so she is making more money.

What did I get out of reading all those emails? I am glad my XW left me and I truly hope she can find peace in her life. Almost all of the above was not true and the allegations that had some truth to it were so distorted you couldn't really tell what was true about and what wasn't. In her fantasy world everyone in her life the past 22 years was abusing her. Why would she not want to leave? I can tell her and show her in a million ways I am not mad at her but if she feels I am it doesn't matter. I can tell her I love her and want to be with her for her in a million ways but if she doesn't trust me it does no good. Reality or fantasy she was miserable and didn't want to share any of her pain with her family. So she ran until she couldn't run anymore. She then left and found a new family for a clean slate.

I've been meaning to ask what else you've been doing for GAL? Any particular things you're doing for yourself only? Did you get any bonsai?

GAL is difficult while raising D14 full-time and I am not able to get out and socialize much but I am working on things around the house. The front yard automatic sprinklers need fixing and I am trying to get raised beds to plant a garden next year in the backyard. I have been getting back into cooking and am proud to say D14 and I eat a homemade meal every night at the table for dinner. When the weather permits I like to go hiking. This weekend I decided to get a brand new bed, nightstand, and dresser for my bedroom. So far this has helped my sleep at night tremendously. My room is now mine and not a ghostly presence of my marriage bedroom. I can tell the interior decorating is losing my XW's influence and is taking shape from D14 and my own tastes. It has been fun to see the changes. I am starting to shape some of the plants in my house to practice my bonsai skills.