Riding the Wave 2

[wayfarer]

I'm just gonna start this with I see the newish IC tomorrow. The old IC has been officially dumped. I thin because I went longer than I usually do between sessions I'm spinning more than usual.

(((wayfarer))) what's your line? When will you stop being friends with him-- when he moves out? That's been my line too, and I know my H doesn't believe me that I'll really stop being his friend if he leaves. (Maybe he does a little, but that is what he is saying to me.)

Do you still feel like he's a little off-- a photocopy of a photocopy?

What can you do for YOU during this time?

If I'm honest with myself I have no idea what my line is here. The line early on for me was if he went and file for a D or we got to the point where he forced me to file a D it wasn't just friendship over. It was scorched earth. You're dead to me kind of over. I think we're still kind of there. However, if/when he goes soon I know that I won't be readily available to him pretty much ever. But I have no idea how to navigate that line especially with him seriously reengaging with the girls and really working to actually co-parent not just tag team parent. He insisted on joining me for parent teacher conferences for D17 even though I said "You don't have to. Did this years before you alone. I can do this." He said "I'm coming, it's fine." And that was the end of it. My daughter needs him in her life. She had a bit of a, we'll go with, break through with me this weekend about it. And a lot of her anger and resentment toward him is that he's kind of been for the lack of a better term neglecting both girls until very recently. Navigating co-parenting with her bio dad is easy. The state gives me his money. He interrupts our lives occasionally, but for the most part I've been mom and dad until H came into the picture. With D15's mother starting to get her life together we/he may not have her full time any more and I don't know how I fit in there. I don't know where the line between cordial and friendship is going to begin and end given our unique circumstances. I don't even know how to begin navigating that.

He still feels off. But more and more like himself. He started as a person who just looked like my H. Then he became a person who is pretending to be my H. I still feel like that, but since the fight he's become so much more like himself. Less pretending. Less like a photocopy of a photocopy. More like the photocopy but no where near as crisp as the original.

I have a lot of plans this week. Partially on purpose due to the holiday, partially because it's just how my calendar worked out. I'm trying to stay busy, and to stay away from him a bit right now, because it seems like he seizes every opportunity that we're home together to be in my space.

I’ve written a few letters in the beginning thinking that I’d want to show H. Some were about me, some were about him. I’m glad I never did. Because with time my mentality has changed and I’m still seeing things differently or more clearly. And with time I also feel more strongly that he would not be receptive to anything from me. Not that he would be offended or anything, I think things would just get lost somewhere and my good intentions would not make it to his brain.

I've written and re-written a letter to him several times. I've written letters to her too. I journal a lot. Not just here. The writing soothes me. There is a version of a letter to him in my head that I would like to give him. I'm hoping at some point I can string the words together in the way I want them to. Where I open my head and my heart, where I don't excuse his behavior but understand. Where I let him know the door is open but I don't know for how long. I don't think he'll be receptive today. But I do think he will be. I think we're getting closer to the point where he wants to know even if he isn't going to do a thing about it. Just to know. Because the fact is my heart doesn't want to let him go, but I have no problem cutting people out of my life and never looking back, and if that's what I need to do I will. He knows that. Hes the kind that always looks back and wonders what if. It's who he is.

I feel exactly this. I feel like H needs to leave in order to break the limbo cycle that we have been entrenched in for so long . I have envisioned myself in a little house, without him, and it feels calm. However, like you, I am so drawn in by him and feel like I am under a spell. I want so much not to love him. And sometimes I don’t know if I do, or whether it’s habit, or fear.

Your H sounds confused, as Wooba says. I’m not a believer in always listening to your gut. The cycle of thoughts driving feelings, feelings driving behviours, behaviours driving thoughts - you can change the cycle. Why do you think he will definitely leave? Is he making plans, is he looking for somewhere? And if he does, it might give you room to breathe clean air. I’m telling myself that if it happens to me, it is not a bad thing for me or H. Keep strong as you are doing great !

I can tell you with certainty in my case my love for this man isn't fear or habit. His love isn't comfort. Frankly loving him hurts like h3ll. He might have been lying when he said I was the love of his life but I wasn't. Someday maybe I'll get over him. But I don't know that I'll ever get over us, because what we had wasn't perfect, but it was pretty great.

I see that life without him too. It is calmer. It's quieter. But it's emptier too. Not so much like crater but more like an odd middle piece in a 500 piece puzzle. Like you know exactly what should be there, but it's just not and there isn't much you can do to fix it.

I know he's confused. I also know OW doesn't know he's sitting and watching movies with me that he asks me to pick. Or that he is coming to parent teacher conferences. Or that he still walks around me in his underwear. Or that he likes to chat before we go our separate ways at night, and likes to make sure we say goodnight.

As far as moving out goes. I'm a person who even though I'm highly logical tends to run on intuition. I feel my way through people and relationships. Mostly because my intuition has taught me to believe what I feel before I believe what's being presented to me. That hasn't failed me yet. He hasn't said he's looking at places yet, but he's started to bring things home to pack. No packing though. I don't know if his April 1 date is going to be the actual day but he'll go. I don't know how to explain how I know. I just know him. He's made his mind up about it. Even if he lies awake the night before he moves thinking it's all a huge mistake he'll still go. And I do stand by him leaving is probably best for both of us. I need some time on my own to decompress. I don't know how he could possibly miss me when under my roof he's trying to keep me as much in his life as I'll allow. He and I don't have a chance of coming out the other side of this unless he goes. He needs to chase this happiness he thinks is out there. He needs to fall on his butt doing so or there will never be any kind of reconciling. As the fog is lifting a tad it hasn't lifted far enough to pull him out of limerence only far enough to let him see I'm not the villain he was trying to make me. He won't see the extent of it's me(him) not you(me) until he's alone on a Sunday night.