Thanks may for the idea. I went to 2 movies this weekend - so much better than streaming at home, it was a great break.
A year ago, I would be in more of an emotional tail-spin than I am today. I am still struggling, though. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes. I have a lot to work through in IC and on my own.
My big decision is whether to stick with the private mediation process or not. I know in my heart what I should do. I'm not naive. I know it will be a massive BD into my situation if I go that route, because I have been so timid with my W during our separation about communicating what I want (for good reason IMO).
I also know what the easy decision would be. I know why some fathers accept the every-other-weekend situation when they would rather have more of a 50-50 split... it can be the easy choice, the choice that avoids ugliness, the choice that appears easier on the kids and their mother. Things seem pleasant lately.
I have fears: Fear that I am going to be up on a stand in a courtroom, being pressed by an attorney aiming for my jugular. Fear that my W will go into a tail-spin and my kids will suffer. Fear that I am not truly ready for what I think I want.
Fear that I am making the wrong choice. Always that fear. Fear that I am hurting others by either being decisive or indecisive. No matter what I choose, it seems unavoidable.
Analysis paralysis is my MO. One reason I tout meditation here is that it is runs completely against the idea of thinking through your problems. I've been trying to think through my problems all my life. It's time to go with my heart and my gut. But I've always lacked self-confidence in my feelings, so this is difficult for me. I grew up in a household where my feelings were ignored, where my M's feelings ruled the day and everyone tiptoed around trying to placate her and avoid her moodiness. I don't trust my feelings. I don't trust other people, but I also don't trust my feelings. Meditation has given me a tiny seed of confidence, and I hope with time that seed grows.
I'm not the only poster here to talk about the impact of CEN as an adult. I can so easily subjugate my own feelings and just "go along" with whatever somebody else wants. Heck I don't even know what I want sometimes.
