.I am scared that showing my H that I will be ok without him means he will be more comfortable in walking away. At the moment, one of the reasons he says he has been unable to leave is guilt (not just for me but also the kids). I know deep in my heart that I don’t want a H who is only here through guilt - and I have told him that guilt and fear and not valid reasons to stay. But I’m scared that if I show I am at peace with him leaving, he will leave.
Keep strong HesAble....you are doing really well!
Originally Posted by HesAble
Pommy99: I have the same fear about my H. I have been following DB, but have also been wondering if acting as if I am at peace with H leaving is going to backfire and make him feel less guilty walking away. I agree with you that guilt should not be a reason to stay, but I wish guilt could soften H's heart to the point that he is willing to give our M another try, even if it is just for the children's sake. I have seen little to no improvement in H's behavior in spite of my DB practices. Perhaps it just takes time or maybe things are working in a way I cannot yet see.
I've had the people closest to me repeatedly ask me to take my walls down and let my H in because well who I am is a person with walls. That if he really loved me it would pull at his hear strings. That it would fill him with guilt if he could see how horribly I'm doing with all of this. But I can tell you the pathetic version of me that existed when I literally couldn't control my emotions, before DB and just time in this mess, he was absolutely disgusted by her. I think it's Ready 2 Change that posts about the book "Why Men Love B**ches" Might be worth a look for you guys. Who I am inherently is that. I know a big chunk of why our relationship started to take a nose dive before the cheating is that my depression and our other R issues nearly killed off my personality. We worked well when I'm my full A type self. In a place where he's the one who has to check me when I go too far afield but am otherwise in control. The best R conversations we have. The ones where I've seen him full on cry or tear up, where he gets caught up in the emotions of things are the ones where I keep my wits about me and while I can say what I'm thinking and feeling calmly like I'm teaching him something he never learned, not trying to elicit a reaction. Act AS IF is a huge part of DBing for a reason.
The fact is I can't always keep my emotions out of his journey here, but I know d@mn well he can't see that it affects me unless he comes out and asks. They see everything on their terms through their skewed lens on the world in that moment. The other saying they say on here a lot, "You never looked as good as you do when you're walking away." It has validity. Human nature is to want what you can't have. No matter what I think and feel. No matter how much I hope H gets his sh*t together in the end, he won't want to lean back in until it seems as if I'm over it. The nice thing about them making us strangers who live in the same house is they literally forget who you are. Being strong and independent, self possessed and unbothered, you're the hot girl across the bar no body can keep their eyes off of. <- But all that stuff is about them.
The reality here is worrying about you and leaving them be is the only move you can use to win the long game here. The more I look like I'm moving on the more my H leans in. Maybe it's because he's feeling I'm going to be ok and his guilt is assuaged and he's thinks he's going to get his wish of us being bffs when this is over. OR he is leaning in because he wants to. I can't know, but in either case I win. In either case it means I'm getting some of the control back. He thinks he's getting the outcome he wants and when we separate households now it's my call if I'm willing to be "friends" because he's the one who can't go a day with out at least checking in. If he's actually leaning back in it means if he really wants to try I get to call the shots again. At least for a little while until we can re-balance the relationship. No matter what worrying about me, and doing my best to look like I'm moving on, actually moving on, detaching and staying out of his way while he deals with his journey here can't hurt me in the long run.
