Riding the Wave 2

[Pommy99]

I know I’m my gut he’s going to move out. He’s convinced he’s going to go. Honestly it’s probably best for both of us if he does. I could really use a little break from the push pull. I don’t know if both of us accepting him going is relieving some of the pressure and we’re just finally relaxing around each other. I don’t know if he feels because I’m so zen about whatever that he thinks we’re bffs or friends who used to have benefits. I’m trying not to overthink and try to figure this out but this is getting harder and harder the more things are like they used to be. As heartbroken and lost as I felt when he was cruel and standoffish this is a totally different lost feeling. I don’t feel like I’m drowning any more. I feel relieved at he idea of him going but I still feel the pull so strongly when he smiles and looks at me the way he used to. Even if it’s just for a minute. I wish I knew how to just stop loving him.

i feel exactly this. I feel like H needs to leave in order to break the limbo cycle that we have been entrenched in for so long . I have envisioned myself in a little house, without him, and it feels calm. However, like you , I am so drawn in by him and feel like I am under a spell. I want so much not to love him. And sometimes I don’t know if I do, or whether it’s habit, or fear.

Your H sounds confused, as Wooba says. I’m not a believer in always listening to your gut. The cycle of thoughts driving feelings, feelings driving behviours, behaviours driving thoughts - you can change the cycle. Why do you think he will definitely leave? Is he making plans, is he looking for somewhere? And if he does, it might give you room to breathe clean air. I’m telling myself that if it happens to me, it is not a bad thing for me or H. Keep strong as you are doing great !