Goonies. You are not weak...you sound as if you are clinically depressed. You are not alone. Not EVERYONE has a normal life with very few problems. People hide things very, very well. You probably do too even though you think your pain is obvious. Sounds to me like you need professional help. Is there a crisis clinic near you? Adult mental health services? At the very least, go see your doctor and get on some medication. It is not a “fix” but it can really help. I am a pretty strong person but when I was in the depths of my sitch, I had similar feelings to you. Sadness, hopelessness, anxiety, etc... I have never in my life been on any medication for my mental state but I’m a mental health therapist...I know it helps...so I went to my doctor and went on them. After a couple of weeks, I started to notice a difference. It didn’t get rid of my feelings but it definitely helped to make them more manageable. And get yourself an individual counsellor. You need to talk to someone about this. Problems that aren’t shared only get bigger. And keep posting. The people on here will help you through this but you need to listen to us. We have all been where you are. All of us.
I know you want to hate her. Believe me, I know. But hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It only hurts you in the end. She doesn’t hate you. In her mind, she is done and she hates that she has to go through all of this. I saw that in my XH’s eyes too. I, like you, thought it was hate which made no sense because I had never done anything to him to deserve that kind of animosity. In hindsight, I know that the look I saw was him shutting off his feelings whenever he was in my presence so he could move forward with his plan and not be deterred by my pain or by his shame. Now that we are divorced, I don’t see that look anymore.
Your wife is not trying to make you insane. She is not focused on you at all. She is trying to make herself happy and right now, she doesn’t think being with you is going to do that. As hard as this is, Goonies, you need to take a page from her book and put the focus on yourself. Stop worrying about what she is doing or not doing. Do what you need to do to get you healthy. What would you do if she died suddenly? How would you be there for your kids? What would you do to move forward? The pain you feel is the pain of rejection. It is awful, no doubt, but it is survivable... Take the focus off of her. Become AMOAFWL (a man only a fool would leave)... not for her but for you...and your kids. Do it for them especially. They need their dad to be okay. (((HUGS)))
