Hello, if I may, I need to ramble/vent/let it go...
I am still having a really hard time with all of this.over the past few months I lost my job, and just sat at home mainly in bed, with the covers over my head most of the time. I am not sure why I have to have my head covered all the time, but I do. some how I found the desire to go out and find a new job. before all of this I was good at what I do, and made six figures doing it. now I just seem to barely get through the days. I cant wait to get home to get into bed and cover my head till the next day. I find myself siting in the bathroom at work crying. the pains in my gut just will not go away. I pray and ask for relief from this, I ask for the answers from God, but I have not seem to have heard them yet. I look around at the other people and wonder how come they get to have a normal day, why don't they have these problems too? if they do have these problems how come they seem to have it more together than I do, what made me so weak?? when she moved out I told her that it would be a financial disaster. she did not seem to care. after being out of work for a couple months , I am behind on everything. I try as much as I can not to interact with her. but, she still texts me. I just don't want to hear from her right now. no matter what I walk away feeling worse, every time. yesterday she said she was going to drop the babies off because she had something to do. no problem, any chance I can to see them, I will take it. the evil look and the dark dead eyes were to much. I knew that it was not going to end well. she again told me that she want more money form me, because I am not taking care of her like I should. she berates me in front of our D15. something that she would never have done prior to this. then after she leaves, she texts me and states that I don't know why I would think she has an endless supply of money, that she is stepping up-, and that she wishes I would try as hard as she is to make this work. I know that right now she is trying to hurt me with her cold heartless evil new personality, but she just does not seem to realize what I have and am going through, trying to rebuild myself. I hate to say it but it seems like she is trying to make me really go insane, or commit suicide. can she really be so heartless and hate me so much. I am the father to our 5 children, why does she think this is ok? I just want to learn to hate her they way she does me, but I cannot seem to do it, yet. I want to wish her all the bad, she has given to me. but I am so ignorant that I still believe there is hope. her cold dead eyes seem to say different. never in a million years think that my beautiful wife would turn so dark and evil. I am so lost, there just seems to be no hope for all this, and what kind of future does she think our children have with her new found evil? its like she embraces her new self. no of this makes any sense to me. I sometimes wonder if it is not MLC and she is possesed by some kind of demonic demon. all of this is just not the women I have been with for over 30 years. I am just so damn lost, and feel so hopeless. I was hoping that time would make it more bearable, but it seems to just get worse for me. I want to hate her so much, I know if I could hate her I would not care about her, and I could move on with out remorse, or regret. the past few days I have thought that maybe I need to go have myself committed. I am just at my wits end.....
