Doing my thing and hope for the best

[may22]

Wooba, to be honest, all this above was one of my biggest 180s. I first started to own my own responsibility for all this mess (not that I'm responsible for his A, but my piece of the SSM and our fights) back in February, and then read DR and the 7 principles in April or so. I really spent some time thinking about my own behavior and role in our arguments. I think I first went to the eggshells (and maybe that is a necessary step in all of this) but it was amazing to see how changing my own responses would change the whole scenario and avoid a giant fight.

I have *totally* been where you are. I know exactly how you feel. And I'm not really conflict avoidant so I would dish it right back and then keep holding onto my grudges for a long time. it wasn't pretty.

The only other thing I would recommend for reframing where you are... I don't think it helps, necessarily, to think of it like you need to be the adult in the situation (with the unspoken "in contrast to H"). You are an adult, full stop. So is he, no matter how he is acting, and it isn't your job to teach him a lesson or correct all his crazy reconstructions of your history. Just do the best you can to try not to let his crazy get to you.

Hang in there. On the talk... I don't have a fast answer but will think more for you. The only recommendations I would make would be that if you want to tell him the appreciation piece, I would start out by asking him how he feels and see what he says before you go there. If you really want him to feel heard, you first need to let him speak-- you don't want to jump to conclusions or put words in his mouth. Also, only say those things if you're doing it for you, not because you hope for a certain response from him. if you feel these are things you really need to get across to him right now, and future wooba will regret not being authentic in this case, then do it. But my spidey sense says that you might not hear what you want to hear if you initiate this conversation and you just need to be prepared for that. Is there a reason to do it on valentine's day weekend? or can you sit with this desire to have this talk for a bit and see how you feel in a week?