Doing my thing and hope for the best

[may22]

Afterwards I kept thinking about what in the world he could have possible accused me of being appreciative of.....and I got kind of mad at myself for letting that slide. I should’ve pressed it. That’s a 180 I really need to work on because I’ve always been a conflict avoider. And usually it takes awhile for a convo like that to hit me and then I think “hey! WTH was he talking about?” But by the time I have a retort it usually is too late. I wanted to say, what do you think I should be appreciative of? The fact that you walked away from our family? Or you disregarded the vows that you made? Or that you’ve become the pinnacle of everything you despise?

So.... I know Yail has already covered this but I did want to pipe in too... (a) I do think when our Hs are acting like children it is easy to treat them like children. But if my H said to me "I can't understand you when you mumble" (actually if anyone said that to me) I would feel a little annoyed. And, (b) I don't think there is ever a downside to not responding with anger in the heat of the moment. If you want to go back and talk about it later on if you missed the opportunity to validate in the moment (assuming there is an appropriate time) then, as Yail says, being truly curious about why he would feel unappreciated-- if that is indeed what he was mumbling-- would probably be the best way to address it. If you're just looking for an opportunity to get some digs in on his current behavior, I would skip it. What's the use?

2. I gave S10 a scratch paper to work on math. And H saw the paper(which had old hotel booking info printed on there) and took it to me and said why am I receiving things like this about his trips. I said uh that’s really old, it’s from like two years ago. He said doesn’t matter, why am I getting this. I said because I BOOKED IT FOR YOU on my account. (He forgot he’d taken that trip)
And just like above, I let it slide again!! Few mins later I was like wtf just happened? Was he trying to accuse me of keeping track of the details of his trips? Like I’m not supposed to see which hotels he’s staying at? What is he trying to hide from me??

To me, I agree that you handled this well (not knowing the tone of voice or whatever though). He acted irrationally, you responded in a rational and normal way, then you both let it drop. He probably feels a little stupid and it was nice of you not to rub it in. And yes, he probably doesn't want you to see all that stuff right now because he is hiding a $hit-ton of information from you! Right? I would just let this go about the hotels. What is the point in hammering any of this in?

Anyways. My conclusion is that I need to be more of a bada$$ b*tch than a make-nice conflict avoider. Hopefully I’m not just slow to be offended by things. Lol.

I think there are lots of ways to be a bads$$ b*tch but being argumentative is not really a good or healthy way of going about it. Way better? Showing him how his craziness doesn't affect you and you're above it all. i think there is a difference between walking on eggshells-- where you're consciously trying to avoid doing or saying anything to antagonize or upset your H-- and not saying that stuff because ... who cares? It doesn't bother you. It might seem the same from the outside-- wooba let his d*ckish behavior slide-- but I do think there is a big difference when it comes from fear and when it comes from detachment. You don't need to repress your feelings, but you can say what you think without spoiling for a fight.

While I'm still a ways off from detachment, I do think I made this shift. Now if my H says something rude I either ignore it (sometimes say oh, did you say something? like kind of a joke) or I'll just tell him-- zero heat-- stop being an $ss. We don't argue about it, I don't hold onto it (that is my 180) and he'll usually offer a repair behavior or apologize (180 for him). And I know that previously I was really walking on eggshells and letting him get away with $hit I really shouldn't have... and then it would all build up and I'd lose it the next time and we'd get in a big fight. He even told me maybe 4-6 months ago he could tell I was walking on eggshells and it made him feel sad and guilty.... that is when I decided to stop. I do think it has really helped in our interactions generally, but also because I felt somehow diminished walking on eggshells. Making the shift in this space really helped ME to re-inhabit my (sort of) bad-a$$ b*tch self.