1st Anniversary of Limbo, Indecisive WAH (part 2)

[may22]

Hey Pommy,

My H has done the EXACT same thing about an investment property. Numerous times. I finally called him on it like why do you bounce back and forth between you want to leave and you want to buy an investment property when you know we shouldn't spend that money if we are going to get D? (I also was thinking a part of him wanted a place for him to live.) He said it was when he wanted to double down and refocus on the M, thinking about a new project like an investment property helped him -- just a reflection of the constant back and forth inside his own head.

I think the biggest, most important thing is to not get drawn into the craziness inside his head.

The rest of the week has been tense. He arrived home Thurs night, my barriers were up. I’d spent the 2 days since the suggestion of a 2nd property in a heap on the floor.

He wasn’t expecting me to be so tense and distant when he arrived home. I explained that his constant indecision was hard for me to deal with. He reacts to my tension by leaving me alone; I react to his being distant as uncaring and conclude that there is no way he thinks he has a future with me.

I know this is hard but can you work on not letting his words or behaviors or moods affect yours so much? Does picturing the steady strong lighthouse help? I think it will help a lot -- both for you and for him-- if you can get to a place mentally where every swing of his simply doesn't affect you like this.

I am struggling with not being able to plan anything, not being able to talk about holidays, etc. Or maybe I should? Should I just carry on as if we will be having a family holiday and start talking about it?

What do you want to do? This is what I did for our upcoming spring break-- we have been traveling the last two spring breaks with the same family with girls our daughters' age. H kept noodling about coaching a soccer tournament the second weekend of the break, and my daughter (on the team) was adamant that she preferred to take a vacation. I was (am) pretty sure the tournament was just an excuse. Finally I went ahead and made the plans with my friend, told H he could come for part of all of it depending on what is going on but I wasn't going to deny the kids this trip. It is a place that is actually pretty easy for him to come just for part of it if that is what he decides, and also not a huge deal if he doesn't come. Today he told me he will probably book his tickets for the whole thing.

On the other hand, I didn't force any vacation over Christmas-- there was nothing simple that wouldn't seem either a total F you to H if we went without him or like a weak ploy to get some family time on a vacation, and I decided for that break, it wouldn't kill them to be home. And we had fun staying home. So my suggestion would be do what you think is best for you and the kids. If you want to plan a vacation, do it! If you'd rather not add more pressure to the pot, then maybe plan something more low-key. But I think the trick is to do something you are comfortable with rather than just catering to his craziness.