I’m getting more and more lost in H’s half in half out behavior and feeling just genuinely terrible at this. He waited up for me again Friday night. Long convos about kids, my night out, his night in and mutual friends Saturday. He spent the night away Saturday. I’m guessing with OW. But came home and had candy for all of us(?) by like noon. Was stoked about the dinner I was planning and dessert I had already made. Then tells me oh you’ll have to teach me that when I leave. I really am going to miss your cooking. To which I said well my food stays with me but we’ll see about me teaching you a few things, in a flirty way. Then he said made some flirty comment about how he knows how he knows how to get what he wants from me and really wants the recipe. Dinner and family time. More joking. Then winding down for the night we’re in separate “beds.” I’m here feeling confused. I’m sure he’s texting OW. The closer he gets to who he used to be. The more he leans back into the family even if it isn’t necessarily leaning back into me the harder it is to shrug him off. I know I’m my gut he’s going to move out. He’s convinced he’s going to go. Honestly it’s probably best for both of us if he does. I could really use a little break from the push pull. I don’t know if both of us accepting him going is relieving some of the pressure and we’re just finally relaxing around each other. I don’t know if he feels because I’m so zen about whatever that he thinks we’re bffs or friends who used to have benefits. I’m trying not to overthink and try to figure this out but this is getting harder and harder the more things are like they used to be. As heartbroken and lost as I felt when he was cruel and standoffish this is a totally different lost feeling. I don’t feel like I’m drowning any more. I feel relieved at he idea of him going but I still feel the pull so strongly when he smiles and looks at me the way he used to. Even if it’s just for a minute. I wish I knew how to just stop loving him. I feel like if I would’ve just let my anger have me it would be so much easier getting through this. If I didn’t want to hold on to him or the marriage all of this would be so much more simple. Sigh.
