Thank you Yail. I really appreciate your perspective.
After doing some more thinking, I kind of share the same thoughts as you. Maybe it’s not so bad that I let it slide. I think the DB way is like you said, let H stew in his own anger and for me to not engage.
The reason I’m sensitive about not avoiding conflict is because I think it contributed to the build up that lead up to BD. Not that BD could have been “avoided”, but I know on my part I held a lot of resentment and frustration back due to fear. I never wanted to start an argument. I disguised myself as if I’m in a state of zen when honestly in the back of my head I had all these unexpressed feelings. Now I know that it wasn’t healthy, so I don’t want to fall back on the same pattern again. But it kind of clashes with DB (correct me if I’m wrong??) so I’m not sure how to go about this.
So the first point- if it happens again I am not sure what I would do still. On one hand I understand the importance of validating, but I also don’t want him to victimize himself. If his truth is that he feels “unappreciated,” should I not counter with facts to rebuke him? I think it’s totally wild that he feels unappreciated because I regular express my appreciation for him. And it goes back to everything else in our relationship- he feels like I don’t show him affection enough, he feels like I don’t love him. Although I know that I definitely have things I need to work on (showing affection, touching him more), I think everything stems from his low self-esteem. And I feel like no matter what I do, I’m always coming up short. It’s never enough for him - he’d always feel like he’s not valued.
But as I am typing this, I’m realizing that I probably can’t debate his feeling. It would go back to the same loop we always had when we argued prior to BD.....
