You never talk about XW anymore and I guess this is partly because she is no longer a presence in your life (something you feared for a long time) and nor do you need her to be. You were forced to cross that bridge (she moved away) and found that there was nothing to fear.
FS posted this on her thread yesterday (feels like 4 days ago) and it has been turning around in my head since then. I didn't want to hijack, so I'm addressing it here on my own thread.
First of all, she's totally correct. Absolutely. I've said as much in past posts. But there's something else there, and that's what I'm trying to to suss out. Why did this catch my eye and make me cock my head? I can't figure out exactly what it was that FS touched on that made me pause.
In my real life, I intentionally mention XW's name here or there. In passing, nothing in depth. "Oh yes, XW and I visited that place once a few years ago". I do this in a conscious effort to not sweep our 10 year history under the rug. To prove that it existed, that it mattered. To remind my own brain to not rewrite history. To make my family feel I don't hate her, because I don't want them to. I don't want to talk about her in those moments, but I figure the best thing to do is just not ignore her, and mention her name in passing. It comes out casual and calm, but in my mind it is still forced.
I should mention too that I never told my family that she had an affair. I have kept that private and told only a couple of friends. Not even my best friend though. In the event that XW ever comes back into my life that is my issue to deal with - not theirs.
I don't want to talk about her because I don't want to admit or think about where she is in her life. With my limited knowledge and a whole lot of speculation (and zero sleuthing now) I believe she is engaged to OW - or at least with her, and her kids - working a job in a different town. Who knows what else is true or not true or happening or not happening. I honestly don't know, so in some ways I'm frozen in this space where the only thing I "know" (think I know) is the last bit of information I had, perhaps 5-6 months ago. That is the perpetual state of being in my mind. I couldn't tell you if she is genuinely in a good place in her life or still struggling with some things she struggled with while we were together. I have no idea.
There are a lot of flashbacks that happen when I think about OW. About XW denying denying denying that anything was happening. A lot of specifics I don't want to relive and write here.
So when I think about XW I try to only think about the good parts with the first 9 years - but I also don't have rose colored glasses and think back to the really great parts. Mostly I just remember the mundane, and those parts that I really loved. I refuse to accept that last year as our story. Because if I ever see her again I don't want to be angry, though I am. I don't want to only think that we ever had bad times. I think about her quite often. Sometimes I imagine her walking through the front door of my apartment and wonder what emotions I would feel. Mostly anger, and a desire to keep her out of my space. She doesn't belong here and this is only Yail's life in these walls. She doesn't get to come into my space if I can't know hers.
I'm different around women in my life now. I have a couple of lesbian friends that while they aren't BFFs the fact that they're queer means something a little extra to me. My closest friends I'm different with. I insist on talking about those taboo subjects that were never discussed in the pre-separation Yail: finances, relationships, sex life (solo and/or partnered), divorce, life plans, family issues. I want only authentic communication about real life, because real life slapped me in the face and I want to face it head-on, not dance around it. I know now that everyone has these issues behind closed doors, and I want them to feel that my door is always open.
I don't know if I got anywhere in this post. I just feel this need to explore it, and to think openly about why I don't talk about XW.
It is still self-preservation which lives alongside some genuine moving-on. Even after all the boxes are checked, and our D is final and we have each chosen the life to live solo - I still feel she is mine. She is still my W, my partner, and probably the person who can hurt me more than anyone else in life. And even while I try to not speculate or snoop or make any assumptions about where she is in her life - the one thing I do know deep down is that she shut the door between us (in part) for me. She did it so I could move on and heal in my own time and in my own way without additional hurt from her choices. Also for her, but I am sure some of it is also for me. That part I am quite certain of.
