1st Anniversary of Limbo, Indecisive WAH (part 2)

[Pommy99]

Original thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2878856&page=1

My final post of #1, which sums up the last 12 months:
This week has been another rollercoaster and today is the one year anniversary of our dinner date where we went out and discussed what to do about the state of our marriage. I had been thinking about moving out. Back then we loathed each other. That night we went out and had fun, we laughed (I cried), it was like one of our early dates, I saw the man I had married for the first time in years, I realised how much I loved him and didn’t want to break up. We went home and ended our 12 month spell with no intimacy, it carried on for 36 hrs. I naively thought we would be ok.

But not a lot changed, and 4 weeks later, Mar 2019, I discovered a very intense but short-lived EA. I was devastated, he pulled me back in, another 2 days of passion ensued. But the EA continued amidst a pack of lies. We spent the next few months trying to get back on track, trying to build connection and intimacy, but his feelings for me had gone. The EA went away but then came back again. In Dec, he decided he was leaving, the EA was in full swing as I since found out. And then he said he wasn’t sure. And then he said he was leaving again. And here we are in Feb and the leaving/not leaving is ongoing.

Last weekend he went to view a rental; 4 days later he sent me a message proposing the purchase of property. The man that wants to leave me now wants to make a big financial commitment with me. The red flags were waving, it was surely a ploy to buy a home for him to move into? I suggested this, but no, he assured me that since viewing the rental, and being with me at the weekend, he was having nice feelings about us and got carried away with thinking about how we could,secure our future financially. He said he wasn’t ready to separate. That he has everything he wants with me but the passion is missing, but that in itself was not a valid reason to leave the marriage. He hadn’t realised the suggestion would upset me so much. I felt so broken, every time I seem to grab some control of my own, and think that I need to plan life without him, he throws in a curve ball. The rest of the week has been tense. He arrived home Thurs night, my barriers were up. I’d spent the 2 days since the suggestion of a 2nd property in a heap on the floor.

He wasn’t expecting me to be so tense and distant when he arrived home. I explained that his constant indecision was hard for me to deal with. He reacts to my tension by leaving me alone; I react to his being distant as uncaring and conclude that there is no way he thinks he has a future with me. We talked about this and he says we need to be authentic with each other, and not react to each other’s behaviours and moods. For me, being authentic is showing him affection, touching, kissing. All the anti-DB stuff. But at the same time, I am busy GAL, which I will continue to do.

Today we talked briefly about him wanting to leave. He said he doesn’t want to leave , that he’s trying to fix things, to do the right thing, and he thought I knew that. I feel pretty certain that the EA is now over, although I haven’t asked. I don’t know if this was on his terms, or if it was because he knew continued contact with the EA was a deal-breaker for me, or if he realised she wasn’t what he was looking for, or if he was worried about losing Plan B. Perhaps it’s all of those things.

I don’t know what “fixing things” means to him, I don’t know what “do the right thing” means. I don’t know why he thinks I know all this. Because DB says I should believe nothing he says.

I feel despondent because of the anniversary date. Tonight we are going out for dinner

***

So we went out for dinner, we had fun, we laughed a lot, we didn’t talk about the M. In a way it felt like I was on a first date - I was asking myself if I was attracted to the man across the table from me. He didn’t feel like my husband, else I’m sure we would’ve been talking about where we want to go on holiday in the summer, or what we might do next weekend together.

We got home, we cuddled, we fell asleep.

I am struggling with not being able to plan anything, not being able to talk about holidays, etc. Or maybe I should? Should I just carry on as if we will be having a family holiday and start talking about it?

***

Your h truly does not know what he wants. He sounds depressed and is looking for something to fix that "spark" that he had w/you a while ago. I would listen and validate whenever I could.

As for purchasing an additional house at this time, I wouldn't do it. If he does eventually opt to leave, he can rent a place. You do not want to tie up your money right now because he is still sitting on the fence. Until he has become truly transparent in everything and has earned your trust again, I would sit back, listen and observe.

Job, he is despressed and on anti-d meds. He desperately wants to get off them but feels he can’t as the situation is fuelling the depression. His confusion is suffocating him.

And agreed, I have no intention of entering into any new financial commitment with him. I think he realises now that the idea was not feasible.