Hi, DnJ, and Happy Saturday to you and everyone else here in DB land!
Yes, to be able to look beyond what H is projecting. To remember that I don't know what he's going through right now and to find compassion there alongside the indifference I am trying to cultivate. It was easier for me to keep this in mind when he was outwardly acting like a person in crisis (midlife or no)—the drinking, the partying, so clearly running and grasping at anything that would give him a break from himself. Even now, though, when he seems to have stabilized somewhat (again, outwardly, so I realize I am only observing the very tip of this iceberg), I notice little things he's stopped doing that used to bring him such simple joy and pure delight. These are things no one else would probably notice about him.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Fear can be a belief. Fear can become a belief.
If one reinforces their fear enough it will be believed.
Those persistent doubts hit again one night this week—what if H really never loved me, what if he was pretending to, pretending to be a different person for the entire M as he seemed to suggest once. I also did some spinning this morning: seeing some piece of mail H got that is most likely junk mail had me jumping to conclusions and then thinking about all the things he might be doing re: D that I don't know about, all the things he's thinking that he doesn't tell me, why has he not brought it up, and on and on... In both instances, I was able to eventually say to myself: Wait. These are all fears that I have. They are not necessarily rational. Just because they elicit strong feelings in me doesn't make them true. They are just things I am afraid of. They are only beliefs if I give them that power. I might have to sit with them for a bit before I can see them for what they are, and it may be uncomfortable, but I don't have to base my actions on them.
My Valentine's Day movie plans turned into dinner-with-a-friend-after-work plans, so I probably won't even see H that night. It is always good to meet with this friend, because she sees for herself how H has rewritten the past, and it is comforting to have that reinforcement from time to time from someone close that it was not all a dream! Still thinking about what kind of special dessert I will make for myself this week. Flowers are definitely in my future.
