Fundamentally, I don't believe he wants D. He even said yesterday that he loved me (which is the first time in a long time, even if it was in a ILYBINILWY sort of way). However, having seen sitches on here, I am prepared for him to do it anyway. He has not told anyone other than his 2 closest friends about the separation, his family know something is going on but I'm pretty sure he has not told anyone except me and maybe his 2 friends that he wants D. He's only said that to me about 3 times, usually as a threat when he feels like he needs to assert control or when he has worked himself into a frenzy about things.
What am I getting out of the sitch continuing? A. I don't want D, I would prefer reconciliation if possible, but H is in no condition for that any time soon. B. Financially it would be stupid for me to D any time soon (and stupid for H not to D, frankly, more irrational behaviour) C. It would be terrible timing to start D when ds1 has big exams and uni to prepare for and D. Limbo is no fun, but I've adjusted to it. Limbo has in a weird way let me heal. I feel stronger than at any moment since BD, even with the odd wobbly day (usually unrelated to H, funnily enough).
I agree his behaviour is mad, but it has been ever since BD. He has said the most irrational things, so that I no longer believe half of what he says because it is so plain crazy. Part of me has compassion for him because I can see how extraordinary the effect of his mum's behaviour has been on his life. I can see the pain of his abandonment was extreme. The feelings of abandonment I felt when he first left ironically gave me empathy for something which has affected his life and relationships so deeply. I don't feel that abandonment any more though, whereas he will have it forever unless he addresses it and heals from it. I'm not sure he's capable of that, in which case D is inevitable whichever of us initiates it.
When I say I can see the humour in it, I find it both tragic and comic. I'm not getting sucked into the crazy, I've had enough drama. If I find someone else, I will initiate D. I'm open to that, though not actively looking yet. In this moment, I am happy enough in my life with my kids and my friends and my GAL and looking forward to the future whether it involves H or not. I'm at peace with either outcome, though I would prefer reconciliation. But that's not up to me. Having seen how hard piecing is I'm not even sure it's possible with H. It's certainly not possible with him in the middle of this stuff he's going through. I know a lot of it is nothing to do with me, just as always in these sitches. I feel secure right now in myself though, when I look back even a few months I have come a long way emotionally. Yesterday with my friends the subject of H never even came up, despite these being close friends who know the whole story. It just didn't feel relevant, he didn't feel relevant to my life.
