Newlywed and in crisis

[funbun]

I am in bed. It’s harder at night. Your thoughts wonder and sometimes to dark places. Every night I just hope I sleep fast enough before my mind dives into depressing thoughts.

I am writing this to help me clear out my mind. Sorta like the thing you do in a confession box.

Right now I am thinking about my previous R. The one before I am with my W. It was a 12 year relationship. It was a good relationship, I was healthy there, there was nothing wrong with it. One day I broke it off because I got bored and it was no longer fulfilling. And I was attracted to another woman: who is now my current W.

In a lot of ways, in my previous R with my exgf, I was the wayward one. I remember her pleading me to come back. I remember how much pain she was in and how cold I was. I remember feeling guilty for a long time for it. She truly cared about me, and I betrayed her. Stabbed her in the heart. I felt like I killed her. The guilt of leaving that relationship.. I guess it’s still exist now.

I can’t but feel all of this is karma in the works. Punishment from god for what I did to my ex. Now it has come full circle.

So I know what it feels like to be a wayward partner. To say ILYBIANILWY, to vilify a good partner just so that I can get out of a R, to feel nothing towards someone whom you’ve been intimate with for a long time.

I remember my ex doing what I am doing to W now in order to get the loved one back. NC, being nice. It didn’t work on me. I was headstrong and I still walked. If my W is like my past wayward self then this is truly an uphill battle. God help me.

“The night is long, and full of terrors”