Thanks for these suggestions, friends. I think they have a lot of truth. When I try to look at our situation with the eyes of a calmer outsider, I see two scared and hurt people who lack skills to speak the other's love language, and are generally resentful about that fact. My H has the emotional maturity of a teenager sometimes (but then again so do I) but I do see him trying in his Acts of Service way and feeling resentful and hurt when it doesn't have the response he imagines it should do. As do I. He's actually emailed me the details of several MCs this week - in about three different emails - and I've not responded. That's immature of me.
We did go out last night - just for a meal somewhere local. Eldest at home with friends and Youngest having a sleepover elsewhere. We were both tired and had to make a conscious effort not to only talk about work / the kids / weekly practical planning / money. I guess I've been so used to being DARK for so long that it's actually really counter intuitive for me to engage with him in a more real an intimate way - as I do with my friends.
I think what would help is trying to count the positives, and show gratitude for his Acts of Service. Today I went out with some girlfriends for coffee and while I was out H did some housework and also went out for a walk one on one with Eldest. That's pretty much unheard of but they were both in good spirits when I came back and I think some healing is happening there that I need to leave space for and trust them to deal with it themselves.
A couple of days ago we also had a very positive conversation around some parenting conflict. H was asking Eldest about something, Eldest was being evasive, H was being insistent and I leapt in and tried to shut it down. H wasn't doing anything unreasonable or behaving as he has in the past - with the mean attitude - but I was afraid that was going to happen, felt anxious, and tried to head it off at the pass. A couple of hours later H came to me and asked if we could talk, he outlined how he felt in a respectful way, and asked me not to do it again. He said he needed to find his own feet as a parent and I could really see his point. He was right, so I apologised to him and made sure that Eldest heard me do it. When I think how things were at the start of last year, this is astonishing progress.
I seem to have booked myself in for some GAL pretty much every night this coming week. I need it: I work hard and I am involved closely with my kids and I think I have a touch of seasonal blues: really really tired of it being dark in the mornings and evenings. Have also booked some GAL with H. He will have plenty of evenings on his own this week and I hope we will have one together.