May - I read through the entirety of your last thread and every sentence (apart from the PA) resonated with me. I think the differences lie in your H recognises and articulates he still wants you in his life, that he still cares. The other difference is right until BD, he hadn't stopped seeing me s a 'partner'. We were regularly intimate and it was not just a 'we should get this out of the way' type of intimacy. He didn't see me as someone he still wanted in his life, the mother of his children, he saw me as a lover.
I'm not sure how far back on my thread you've read, but I was the one who triggered BD. He was sullen and angry for months, but it was I who said there were problems and "we should separate whilst we are still friends", "and young enough to rebuild" and it feels like 'we are just going through the motions of being married' that very first argument. I don't know why I said it, maybe to shock him into realising what was in jeopardy. He kept going back to those words during MC (yes, we went) saying that these were the very words that went round and round in his head. He hadn't thought them himself - he knew he was unhappy - but hadn't attributed a story or cause to that feeling. I handed him the story and he ran with it. Got more and more angry as the months went on. Couldn't look me in the face, and if he was forced to, it was either with a look of hatred or disgust - unless I'd somehow managed to get him to have sex with me, in which case he would look me straight in the eyes through the whole thing, and what I would see was confusion, sadness and love, and when it was over, he would tidy himself up and pretend it didn't happen. Now, well, I think he is in the same place as your H. He wants me in his life (though can't articulate it) but even if he wanted me to be his W again he would never admit it. The story about the crazy stalker lady highlights how much he has hidden and how far he fell but he will never say anything because it 'goes against his DNA'.
Sidebar - his response to "whilst we're young enough to rebuild" - "you're already thinking about being with other people". A touch ironic looking back now.
Originally Posted by may22
What do you have to lose by telling him, in person, how you feel and saying that paragraph that he ignored from your email?
I take your point, telling him in person will make him respond. But is ignoring the "I love you" not in itself a response? I don't know, I will ponder it. There is fear there as well. If it's written, then I have the time and space to process. If we do it in person and he rejects me, I will be exposed. I may revert to begging and pleading and crying. Fear.
We did do MC. When I could get him to go (which was infrequent, we cancelled more than we attended) I sat there and watched him process and find a home (me) for his unhappiness. He was building the hate narrative in front of me. Cherry picking the worst parts of our marriage, and poisoning the good parts. When I called to cancel our last ever appointment, the MC said she didn't think she could offer the flexibility (in terms of schedule) demanded by my H and that was the end of that.
I like your idea about the parenting/communication counselling. But we communicate fine when it comes to the kids and we are the poster children for co-parenting so it will be a difficult one to sell without it seeming like there is an agenda, especially now that I have let him know I still want to work on our M. I will think about it some more.
Yes, he is trying to extend the limbo. He has given me a host of reasons (house value is too low, the effect on the girls and their schooling, I won't find anywhere else cheaper that is of the same quality blah blah blah) which actually are valid so it is difficult to see if he is thinking with his rational brain (finance/children) or his emotional one (I want them to stay in the house because that keeps FS there and everything will be as it was if I return). Probably a bit of both.
Originally Posted by Yail
The gaslighting ... Mine is becoming fainter, if that helps to know.
I'm glad yours has faded. You never talk about XW anymore and I guess this is partly because she is no longer a presence in your life (something you feared for a long time) and nor do you need her to be. You were forced to cross that bridge (she moved away) and found that there was nothing to fear. It is an inspiration though Yail. I love reading your posts. Even the melancholy full of flu posts.
I don't think he will ever be a non-presence in my life - so the only person who can choose to cross that bridge and face that fear is me.
I am only stuck as it relates to my H (though this has a lot of 'strings' that come off of it - where I live, my GAL schedule). I am fine in other aspects. Work, whilst still uncertain, is going well, I have a social life and my kids are doing OK (for the moment). I guess it is fear again. Fear of never being able to open up to another person.
I will ponder telling him in person. I don't know if the opportunity will ever arise. We are rarely in the same room alone - I had to ask him to come into the study in order to have the conversation about the crazy lady.
