Phew, big drama yesterday. Every time I feel like I'm having a nice smooth time and in a solid place life throws plates at me. Yesterday I had a lovely day out with friends. In the afternoon H rang, very agitated. His work politics have exploded and he has been accused (amongst other stuff) of having an A with a colleague. The colleague who I would have most expected him to have an A with, since I know he's always liked her and she got a D a couple of years ago and my spidey senses tingled then. H has been threatened with public exposure and he is fighting back legally saying it's not true. I listened and was in shock. I asked if he wanted to meet and he said no but he would today, and asked me to ring him when I got home. Also said he still wanted a D in future, ha funny how he expects me to support him after saying that.
I settled down a bit, then thought actually now would be the best time to get to the truth. So I went to his house (his secret house where I have never been allowed). It was quite comical really, my phone had died so I kept having to ask people for directions and also couldn't remember the name of the road until I saw it on a map. I think I was still in shock but not feeling too crazy, just a bit wobbly. I knocked on the door and he said he didn't want me coming in and we should go for a walk. I insisted on coming in and walking round the place. No obvious evidence of an A on the surface. His house is not very nice, mine is much nicer. I asked him outright about the A and he denied it. Well believe none of what they say, right? I asked him to prove it and he said how and I said by showing me his secret phone. He refused so I said in that case I had to assume he was having this A.
We went for a walk and I was mostly calm and tried as hard as I could to validate. Talk about extreme practice! It was all the same old stuff, I abandoned him during our M, he felt abandoned and he misses the kids so much. At no stage did he take responsibility for any of his side, what a victim. He did say that he felt very worried about his health, I asked him if he thought it might be stress-related. He has had a ridiculous amount of stress to deal with, and avoiding it with alcohol and over-work is not the best approach. He said a lot of other stuff but mostly it was the same old same old. What I took from it was that he is still stuck in victim mode. I feel sorry for him, it's a powerless place to be. I told him that if he was having an A then it almost didn't bother me, since I have been assuming an A all along (and he is no prize, this workaholic alcoholic with physical and mental health issues, who would want that?). Lol. I said that the lying would be the worst part of it because I had always thought him to be such a truthful and honourable person. Anyway, we talked quite calmly after a rocky start. He complained endlessly about his life and job and that the reason he worked so hard was to provide for his family, and that he intended to see me financially secure before we D and that this situation jeopardized this. Which is true. I said that it was very hard to watch him destroying himself and to not be able to do anything. We talked about me a tiny bit. I said that I am happy, that I'm not pining away for him but carrying on with my life, looking after my health and doing things which bring me joy (he has always been jealous of my GAL, since I have always looked after my needs as much as I can). I also told him about the smoking hot bloke chatting me up, it doesn't hurt to show I have options and some of them are more attractive than him
Then we went back to his house and I asked if I could drive his car home as I was so tired. He said no but offered to drive me but I said no because it would be dangerous when he was so stressed and exhausted. He said he would walk me to the station and I got triggered and felt like I had to escape and walked out. He ran after me and insisted on walking me back. It's a long walk, he has a horrible commute to work, more evidence of him mistreating himself when he could afford to live much closer. When we got to the station I asked if he wanted to see me today and he said yes please. Then I asked him for a proper hug and stroked his face. He asked me to let him know I got home safely. I said that he hadn't asked me that for a year and that I had been going home alone for a long time with nobody caring. I texted when I was on my final train and said I was sorry that things were such a mess. Then I rang a friend to unload a little bit. Remarkably few tears yesterday considering the ridiculous drama. I have come a long way in both detaching and not reacting.
So, who knows what will happen next? I'm carrying on with my life and just being there for H. Maybe I should let him sink, but I do love him even if I'm not so affected by his drama now, and my future is tied to his job stuff. I have done a lot of introspection and healing and I will be ok no matter what. If he needs me, then I'll support him. I feel like he's such a lost little boy underneath all the D bluster. Maybe I did abandon him during our M, I can see ways I did, and ways I enabled his poor treatment of me. I would not have him back without him taking responsibility for his part in the M, that is for sure. I might not have him back anyway (I might not get the chance). When they call this a marathon, they are not wrong. I think eventually it might be me who asks for D when I've just had enough, he seems resolutely stuck in this mess of his own creation. I can see how he wants to move on, but you can't until you do the hard work on yourself. In a text to me he said he was broken. I think he has been broken a long time, yet won't fix himself. I certainly can't fix him. I wonder what the next instalment of this soap opera will be? I seem to be seeing the funny side, I'm glad for that
