I remember what it was like back then. He was so suspicious of me (where are you off to tonight, you're never home anymore, you don't spend any time with the children, you're always doing yoga) and there he was messaging and drunk dialling the school secretary. Such a two faced hypocrite.
The gaslighting. I think most of us have experienced a touch of this. Projecting their guilt, but we feel like the crazy ones. I hope in time you are able to release this visceral memory. Mine is becoming fainter, if that helps to know.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
I am still stuck. I now have friends I can call on, and I am comfortable being alone. But still I am stuck and closed off to the possibility of a relationship with anyone but him.
You mention being stuck only as it relates to your H. Are you stuck in all areas of your life? Or just this one area?
Originally Posted by FlySolo
I am not sure what the answer is ... other than I can only go with how I feel and how I feel is not interested.
And that's okay. Many days I am also uninterested, and our situations are different. You don't have to be interested in someone else and it doesn't make you broken or stuck. It's just what you're feeling right now. It really is okay.
We're different now than we were before this started. Maybe part of the process is that we must spend additional time with ourselves before we become interested again. I don't want to just toss myself (my former self) back out there and make the same mistakes. Maybe I need more time to enjoy learning about this new Yail. Maybe you need some time to discover the new DV, and that might be a quiet process.
Besides, it is WAY more interesting to learn about the new DV being uncovered than learning about any potential new lover.
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I'm glad H is more communicative. I'm not sure that the reason matters. If it is suiting your needs (lessens your anxiety and fear of the unknown, allows you to know where he's at, makes coparenting easier) then this is a very good thing no matter what the outcome. Accept his openness. Bare minimum you get is an improved coparent which is an AWESOME thing to have.
I'm glad you put yourself out there in the letter. Now you can simply keep moving forward with the decisions that suit you. You can continue to discuss the house. But you don't have to wonder if he knows. You don't have to have the fear of putting yourself out there - you did it.
I'm hearing small steps forward with some of the fear missing from your prior posts. A bit less fear of the unknown. A bit more trust in yourself. I'm sorry you feel stuck, but I think you're close to being unstuck. I think you're actually moving forward in a measured, calm pace. The scenery is just similar right now.
