My H is very similar in that (besides yes, was a pilot, though not anymore) I think if he walks he will *need* to prove to himself for a good long time that he made the right decision. It is such a major decision and affects other people in such profound ways that I can't him doing anything that major and being willing to admit to himself that it was a mistake. That is simply not in his DNA and I suspect the same with yours as well.
There are probably ways in which his life *is* happier, simpler, easier now than before. There are probably ways in which it isn't and there probably is a side of him that is deeply regretting the choices he made, but he can't admit that or otherwise it means hurting you and the children was not necessary and the guilt involved with that is probably too much for him to bear at this point.
Here's my question for you. (This is not DB.) What do you have to lose by telling him, in person, how you feel and saying that paragraph that he ignored from your email? If he is as stubborn and proud as you say, he is not going to be the one to say it first, and maybe too proud to respond to it in an email. But if it is your truth, and telling him will let you know you can indeed move forward with formally separating or filing or coming to a decision on the house etc without regrets, I would do it. As long as you can take whatever he says without getting emotional and can then move onto the questions of the house and other decisions that need to be made, and that you aren't coming across as pushy, or begging-- just calmly stating where you are, so that he knows. (BTW I would think setting on this one would be important, making sure the timing is right, he's not tired or crabby or whatever.)
Another idea... I don't recall if you guys were ever in MC or not, but maybe you could suggest a visit or series of visits specifically to work out the communication around what happens next. I know some folks do that in the mediation process but I also know that there are MCs who will work with couples who are separating/divorcing on their communication, and this could also be an opportunity for you guys to explore if this is indeed the right step for you given where you both are right now, and with the decisions that need to be made on the house.
What if you mapped out like a logic model all the different paths you could take and the various potential outcomes? Are there any you are vehemently against? Would talking to him and telling him how you feel possibly send you down a path you don't want to go?
It seems like you are stuck. if he is really done, maybe you need to hear it from him in order to let him go and move on emotionally and be receptive to the idea of an R with someone else. Maybe not. But if you're feeling where you are is no longer tenable, what are the things within your control that you can do to possibly move you forward?
Finally...
Originally Posted by FlySolo
Is the increased willingness to communicate him getting comfortable that limbo is coming to a close or is it him getting uncomfortable that limbo is coming to a close.
Does it matter? You might only know if you ask. (But the weird thing is that his stance on the house seems like he is trying to extend the limbo. What does he expect you do to in this situation? Moving back in does seem rather logical *if* he was willing to do so.
HUGS. This has got to be so difficult.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
