In the craziness of the last two weeks, I forgot to actually post the question that led to the thread title change ...
When does standing become standing still???
I wonder sometimes if I still wait for him because I don't know how else to be and waiting is actually an unhealthy state which is stopping me from living a full life. A form of procrastination.
When does it become unhealthy ??? I have GAL'd, I am (apart from the last two weeks) detached, I have 180'd (on most things) and I am a better person for it all, but I am still stuck. I now have friends I can call on, and I am comfortable being alone. But still I am stuck and closed off to the possibility of a relationship with anyone but him.
This week I was contacted by someone I dated once or twice last year and he expressed interest in starting again - I told him firmly but politely that I was not interested. This week alone, I've been asked out for drinks by two platonic male friends, who I know would like to take it further, and last week another male friend (who expressed interest earlier this year) was at a drinks thing I was at and I was told last night he had asked beforehand if I was going to be there and then only agreed once he found out I was going. So, opportunities are there. Why am I not interested ...
I am not sure what the answer is ... other than I can only go with how I feel and how I feel is not interested.
Journalling
I am less angry now. H and I had a talk about the bunny boiler and he showed me the messages he sent her last night. They basically say stop telling lies or we will be forced to raise a complaint with the school. I still think he's not telling me everything, but at this point, I am willing to just let it be. It is interesting though that even though his version of the story shows him drunken flirting with her on text (and by drunken flirting I assume it was sexting) he still maintains that he did nothing wrong. He didn't - he was single. But as he is in his 40's and she's a crazy, gossipy teachers assistant, then he has to see that this represented poor judgement on his part.
Things I am noting about what's happened:
1. I am not in constant floods of tears like I was in the early months of my sitch. It has taken up a lot of my mental real estate and will likely continue to do so, but I feel in control of my actions. The motivation is emotional, but the execution is rational.
2. I had always thought when he hit rock bottom he would question his choices. But has far as I could see, he hadn't hit rock bottom - he was always projecting a 'I am SO much happier now' demeanour. Knowing that he was drunken texting and then being stalked by a crazy person in the background would have been rock bottom for him. Maybe he presents a 'life is perfect' face (to me) and actually, underneath it all, his life actually s**ks. Did it make him question his choices? I think it probably did. But he is too proud and too stubborn to admit it. And that's just plain sad.
3. This has motivated me to be more proactive about things and not so scared to rock the 'limbo' boat. All through this I've been passive. Just living my life and letting him live his. Intuitively and through the teachings here, staying away from R talks - this was easy, he avoided them too - so as not to put any pressure and/or push him into a corner. But it's been two years. Those talks (indirectly) have to be had. We need to discuss separating formally and deciding what we will do in regards to the house and the children. I am not saying I am not scared about having those conversations, but we cannot go on as we are.
Having said all that, I threw my cards on the table when I sent the email about the house options. I figured what was left to lose. On the current trajectory we will be divorced in six months and we will have sold the house. So I put it out there. I said I wanted any decision to be based on all the facts and not on assumptions and half truths. I told him I still loved him and would turn the page on this chapter if he was open to trying again. Not move back in and pretend it didn't happen - but hold off on selling the house whilst we tried to make it work. That was the opening paragraph to the email - the rest was practicalities about the house and childcare. He responded on the house stuff but not the I love you. Acted like that paragraph wasn't even there. His response on the house was clear - he does not want to sell it and he does not want to continue to give me any money for the bills.
But he has been very very communicative on other fronts. I spend more time messaging him throughout the day than I do working (it's annoying my boss) - children, house, crazy stalker lady, some banter etc. Today we spent time alone discussing crazy stalker lady - he showed me texts from her the other night where he told her to stop or he would complain to the school, and her responses as well. Six months ago he would not have entertained even having the conversation. I can't remember the last time we went into another room, shut the door and talked. I would be interested in hearing views on this. Is the increased willingness to communicate him getting comfortable that limbo is coming to a close or is it him getting uncomfortable that limbo is coming to a close.
